Trip

Since my last entry (September), I have been to many long-distance trips. Hiked twice with Marge in Rizal, visited Humi at Pangasinan and went to La Union, spent my birthday with family at Real, Quezon, and just this first week of April, had my longest trip in a long time with friends, in Cebu. As I’m writing this, it’s another hot day in the Philippines, a Holy Friday. I kinda miss being a practicing Catholic; we’d go for Visita Iglecia and be part of church activities. Growing up, that is how I’d spend these holidays. I don’t mind not being religious now as I have developed my own spirituality, but I would actually take being involved in busy, sometimes conspicuous religious traditions over staying at home today, worried but apparently still not doing anything about my backlogs on a freaking Holy Week.

Last six months
Things are generally better. Or maybe I’m just able to cope better with all these travels… yes, definitely. Short-distance trips with family and friends have also been fun. Mobility has surely been better than this time last year. That trip to Batangas for Marie’s birthday is still a memorable vibe, being the first since the pandemic started. Now I’m glad to see everybody on my timeline outside Metro Manila. Even if it may seem questionable to be out while most are still working from home, I know that everyone’s been pushing through many things we don’t necessarily post online. And moving forward, I hope our workplaces embrace fair and efficient systems that hopefully coincides with a better Philippines after the May 9 elections. #IpanaloNa10To, right?

First flight
I lived and studied in Cebu for a year when I was in Grade 8. Along with the many summers I spent there as a child, it’s serendipitous to have my first airplane ride in a flight to Cebu. It was lovely, and I’m proud to say I’m a natural, haha. I grew up taking SuperFerry rides to Cebu and Masbate, my parents’ hometowns, and the pandemic had further delayed my air travels. Now, I seriously could live at an airport and write poetry and stories about people coming and going. It was truly memorable. I shall thank Alain and Christine for letting me have the window seat to and fro! They happily heard, saw, and understood me (they’d get the reference) and the person I am when I told them I was writing poetry as our plane took off. Here it is:

The pandemic has surely limited me from having moments to romanticize, and being able to travel provides exactly those moments. I live for people and events that allow me to dream and be creative whilst living and turning them into reality. I love people who see me not as a disillusioned idealist, but as a wise, sensitive person who strives for balancing freedom and interdependence in my relationships. “It’s the ones who give me the space to be myself, that create more room for themselves in my life,” is a recent tweet I relate and agree with the most. Here’s to the friends I get to travel with and the ones I will be with in the future soon.

Shoutout to my parents, too, for being so supportive in all of my trips now, with or without them. What makes it special is that, they do not let me go just because I get to have fun outside, but because they are understanding me better now to be an adventurous, freedom-seeker, independent young woman. I love it for us. I am in need of more money to take them out and travel with them more often. We all need more money, don’t we? lol

My kind of trip
In this section, let’s read the word trip as man. I’ve been feeling that I want to experience more trips outside of the country. That’s another beautiful thing about traveling, right? Meeting new, interesting people. I didn’t think about this in a way that traveling and having an international boyfriend are now my two utmost priorities. It just coincides with this desire that comes from my gut to open myself up to new perspectives, to wider horizons. Perhaps the kind of trips I’ve been talking to lately has made me more interested in picturing different visions of what my own future could look like. I simply have started to really consider its possibility, and I’m ready(-ing) for it. I’m just so big on experiencing more in my relationships now, and so foreign or not, I only wish to meet someone with a similar state of mind (and with the resources, too) to make it happen. Speaking this into these beautiful water shots from Cebu, and into the Full Moon in Libra this 16th, too.

What’s your trip?
As it is a privilege to think about going to different places and the ways we can learn more about ourselves through leisure, I hope that we are also working towards having a better government that will establish healthier systems that benefit all. May 9 is soooo close, and I can only hope for the best, who is VP Leni Robredo.

I have a research paper I should be writing, lesson materials I must prepare. I guess I’m having a difficult time getting into the specifics of the more serious (and kinda dragging) aspects of my life right now, and hey it’s still “holy week”, isn’t it? But we do need these things to stay a path in life, and I am very grateful, no cap. But really, where’s the next trip? Haha

I hope whatever trip (hobby, routine, plan, no-plan, etc.) you are into is helping you stay good, sane, and healthy.

Here’s some great music to vibe into your next commute/drive/travel:
1. Familia by Camila Cabello, 2022; faves: Bam Bam, Boys Don’t Cry, No Doubt
2. Ivory by Omar Apollo, 2022; faves: No Good Reason, Killing Me, Tamagotchi
3. oiu by Jeremih, 2015
4. Come and See Me by PARTYNEXTDOOR feat. Drake, 2016

See ya!

Beach stories

I made it
Currently on (an official) leave. Not a week in and there’s a tiny, little voice in my head telling me to “do something”. To be as young as 24 and struggle to embody the fact that “doing nothing is also something”.

With another enhanced lockdown in the Metro, I am to spend most of this leave at home. What a way to take a break from a year of working FROM HOME, right? It’s good. My vexations are nothing compared to the seriousness of the reality outside.

All the more reason I’m grateful for the weekend I got to spend at the beach. Before some photos and more stories, here’s a link to Dr. Berg in Youtube explaining how going to the beach lowers your stress levels. Definitely not hard to believe, with or without scientific proof.

Beach in July

The morning we went to Calatagan in Batangas, there had been a 6.7-magnitude earthquake in Calatagan, Batangas! Storm Fabian had just gone, and it was such a rainy day. We were booked from Saturday to Monday, and we had fears (to be by the beach where the epicenter of an earthquake is?), BUT the call of the ocean was definitely stronger. My friend Marie and I went. It was her birthday weekend! We did the same in 2019 in Zambales. We do love birthdays at the beach, stormy or sunny!

It was a break from a lot of things. It was an escape, yes. Aside from the nature and the ocean water and the food and the bedroom that is different from the one I have at home, I particularly loved the travel. Manila to Batangas is around 3-4 hours, and I just really missed being on the road again. I used to pass SLEX because I’ve gone to Laguna for forever and in college, and I really miss all of it- EDSA, riding the MRT. I really am for travel and trips and the beach. Something to look forward to all the time, when things finally get better for good.

Sex and the City
That really is the only beach story I have in this entry. So far, I’m spending this work leave binging Sex and the City. Too bad Samantha won’t reprise her role in the next 10-part revival. Real-life rifts between a cast of a tv or movie series is a good way to snap audience back into the reality that after all, it is just a story. The glamour, the tightness of the friendship between the characters, the lessons and experiences- they’re all fiction. What remains true in all of the movies and series that make us wish we are living a certain kinda way is, yes we can have it all. We can have everything, not just all at once.

My good music
I made a new playlist the other night while I was listening to Leon Bridges’ Beyond for the nth time. His new album, Gold-Diggers Sound is very good, too. I love Steam and Motorbike. You may listen to 2:22 here. Tinashe’s new album, 333 is also a jam. I remember listening to her Aquarius album in 2014. Nowadays, most artists use references to astrology and spirituality in their music (Doja Cat and Lorde to name a few), and it’s nice. Bad, spiritual bitches know.

Going back to Beyond and Leon Bridges, I’m pretty sure this song is going to be in my wedding I don’t care. Haha. I don’t care if I ain’t gonna be married… you can guarantee though that I ain’t gona entertain anyone again who’s not into it or kids or family or stability or security. Yeah, I care.

Forwards and onwards
Soon, it’ll be ber-months. Ber-months and we’re still in lockdown? Like, last year? I’ve been there! So here’s to hoping I’ll be great until the Holidays are upon us. I got my priorities straight- taking an additional position at work will surely make the school year busier, planning to take two subjects in Masters will surely add to the pressure. And you know, the people who know me know I really don’t mind. I still manage to have extra time. That, or we are just so restricted with what we can do now.

I’ve wondered if I really ever used that extra time for myself, like to really take care of me. Being just at home and with myself since last year has compelled me to always revisit the question, “What does it mean to me to love myself?” I discover new answers everyday, every time. And in these fearful, confusing, and uncertain times, I believe this’s what love means in most of our relationships. Am I willing to show up? Am I trying to learn how to be there for others, do I even have the space?
And I wish we do have the space. And the strength to bridge that-whatever is in the way from me to you, and vice versa.

Take care.

Letters to Franco

january 17
you remain the best. the bar has been set so low for a long time. you have allowed me to keep it higher now however not with you. i miss our nights i really do. i am just sad and i still miss you.
i am just sad sometimes, but I’m okay. happiness comes and i can create it. i miss you. but maybe i didn’t know you, but i thought i did, and i miss that. please figure things out for yourself. i hope you find your own happiness. we’re okay. we’re friends, somehow.

march 4
hey. things are getting better. we have to believe they are.
i am moving away, franco. for good this time. the better thing is i am learning not to want or expect somebody to need me. i’m stripping off that painful desire to believe in my worth by feeling needed by somebody else. the truth is at the moment, i am almost completely self-sufficient. i am trying to do the things i do for others just because.
i always think that i had to let you know i know what i want. that’s one thing. it’s another to take things against you, against us and however we can exist if not in a romantic relationship. i wish you know that i enjoyed every time i was spending time with you. i knew it was something good to have you in my life not because of what i thought you could be for me but for how you were at those moments with me. i was worried and anxious and on the verge of sabotaging things, but i was also relieved; i felt seen, understood, and that i had a friend in you. it was true. i wish my mind could always be strong to believe this.

on the 11th i sent franco “hey” and on the 21st he sent a “hey” back. we talked, and then we didn’t

march 22
i want to be better with you. i really do.
i don’t care if you don’t show up the way i want you to. i care that i am patient with myself while i unlearn my negative patterns. i care that i continue to believe in my love and in the love that i want. i can welcome you as you come as you are, franco. i admit i’m scared to see you for who you really are and find out you don’t care to know me, to keep me. i am scared to not be strong enough or in my strength, lose. you are not mine to keep, you never are, no matter how much i want to. so i am here for myself. i’ll be working the hardest to do that, and maybe i could find a way with you.
i know that for you i can be open, i can be soft, and i want to make sure i am not hurting myself. i am scared. i want to know you everyday, but if you don’t have space for that i shall not ask for it. i am here for you now, and hopefully we can nurture our connection sometimes. but i am here for myself more, not out of fear, franco, but out of good faith that i deserve true love, true companionship, true understanding.
you are always in my head and i don’t want you just living there. give us a better chance. do right by me, or just leave us be.

on the night of 24th i asked “do you trust me” and franco said “ok”

march 25
if you can’t do me right, franco, i will do me right.
i think i’ve said my piece already, and if you do understand me, you’ll know. you’ll know that i just really want you trying for me, to know me, to pay me attention not because i am here for you, but because i am here.
it’s been long, franco. i always held out a candle for you. i gave you your time and space, let you be, and when you come, when you’re feeling bored and frisky, i am still there for you. i am not saying to ask it for return. i am saying because i want my chance. i want you to give us a chance. and maybe it’s not the right time, maybe there’ll be no right time for us for you, and i want to be okay with that now. i want to free myself from the waiting, hoping, and feeling sadness over what you can’t give me. i can’t let your potential in my head compensate for how you treat me today.

on may 8th i felt nostalgic over how we greeted each other’s mother on mother’s day last year and i sent franco a message he left on seen

may 11
franco i’m sorry, for the restless energy, for the need for reassurance through words and time spent together, for the insecurities, the fears, projections, i’m sorry. you were never really ready for me and for what i want. i’m sorry that i took it too far, that i want to take it far.
i’m trying to process all of this, i am. i don’t think i could treat you just as a friend when i want you to know things i don’t tell anyone else, and when i have the choice not to. maybe what really triggers my insecurity is that i can choose you and you don’t want me to. you don’t. i should… i knew. that night we talked, on the 16th of may last year and the nights that followed. yes, you were clear. i guess i let it go. i think i understood but i though i’d be okay. you never really wanted me the way i want you to. i wish it clicked in better in my head, i wish i went. that’s in the past now. i will forgive myself.

on the 16th of may i messaged franco and told him he could block me, and he did

july 31
hey. august huh. it was april. then may. i don’t know. you had nothing to tell me. you didn’t feel to do anything for me. i was out of line, i was bothersome. i wish i handled myself better… for me. i wish i knew how to not take it too far with you or with anyone who isn’t down for me. that’s my game plan now, though. that’s what i want to stand for, and you’ll be a living example within my history, franco.
you are who you are. i can have so much more and better, and i ain’t saying this with contempt but with heartache. you didn’t really open up to me, an di get it- you were scared. then i got scared because i knew i had to leave you alone, and i didn’t want to. so if i sometimes feel that you pushed me away, it was the right thing to happen anyway. i had to learn how to make space- real space- to tend to myself and to trust somebody. i wish i could trust you. i needed you to reassure me that i could. but you weren’t sure yourself, and i get it. how can i stop having this conversation with myself? i’m trying to leave it alone.
i’m hurt and i’m sad when i think you don’t care about this the way i do. but it is what it is- we want different things, we believe in different things, and despite this, i can respect what i had with you. i can respect the history, who i was, who i became, all of it, franco. i can respect who you are, what you want, what you stand for, what you will be. okay.
i have nothing else to say, anymore. good luck.
i wish i can love myself without being defensive to others and without shutting off. i hope i can discover and hold myself up better as i get to know someone who’s down to get to know me. i wish it wouldn’t be unnecessarily difficult for me next time. i wish it’s good conversations, too, without the fear of where it may lead us. i wish it’s good music and interesting life, too, with freedom and trust, faith. i wish that i can do this while also having good relationships with my parents and friends. i wish for no fear, no fear, no fear.
thank you. you were my type. you were attractive to me and i could be turned on just thinking about you. franco, it’s over.
mims. i’m so happy and in love with you. i’m so proud of you, and i love you, always learning how to. i do.

June

Room
I would take pictures of the sunlight outside from inside my room. I really like it. Soon after, I’d think to myself, It’s a good day to be at the beach today. Everyday is a good day to be at the beach for me though.

In between crying and working for money these days, I think about changing the second floor where my makeshift room is. Or changing the sheets, the curtains, the pillowcases. I look forward to it, and use my body to tell me It’s time, like it’s the only something new I can do, I can look forward to, I have control over. Maybe it is.

What am I doing this for?
I haven’t written my paper for Masters. It’s due on the 25th. I really enjoyed this Theatre class I took, I’ve just been feeling incapable, displaced by my own desires and expectations. Oh, I feel that in relationships, too.

Of course, I will write it. Of course. It’s so not me, but it is me now. I’m probably not the only one losing motivation in life in general, right? Say, “Right,”. Thanks.

Phases, levels, sides
The reality is time just goes on. I got my first dose of vaccine, that’s something. My third school year as a teacher will soon be done; something. There’s money incoming. I provide for the outgoing. I can go out if I want to. I just don’t know if I want to. Of course I do. I don’t know if things are suspended in the air, or it is just me. If it’s just me, I’ll soon figure it out, and I will move.

It’s me outside two weeks ago, early in the morning. No, not our house. My friend and I decided to temporarily break off from the contemplating, forgiving, and healing inside our houses by going out for a walk. It was lovely. We ate at McDonald’s afterwards. The night before I was watching Friends: The Reunion on HBO Asia. The lockdown finally got me to watch the series a year ago. Still one of the few best things that’s happened to me in this pandemic. I’m binging Season 5 these days, when I do, I’m okay. I’m safe, I feel fun. I really love it. I started with Sweet Tooth and The Handmaid’s Tale, I’m on Episode 3 and Season 2, respectively. I loved watching IT: Chapter 2 recently. Now I’m on their interviews on Youtube and all that interesting shit, you know.

On the mat
It’ll be soon a year since I started doing yoga. Whenever I’m on it, I feel strong. I feel proud of what I will myself to do, of what I will my mind to stop doing even just for a while- Think. I love it. It’s one of the many things I say I’m not very good at, but which I can definitely be great at… “given another circumstance”. That’s just an excuse. I say that. But what if it’s true? I am already good, I just want a better chance. The thing is, maybe I should make that chance, but I feel like I’m done always being the one making things happen for me. Haha, shit. What are you talking about?

Rainy days are upon us
I’ve been loving the rains. I find myself saying, I wish it’d rain. I hope it never stops raining. Just so I know something else is happening. It feels good, and I didn’t ask for that. It just happens. So I’m grateful.

I believe that better days are yet to come, I’ve just been too deep in letting go of some stuff that I’m currently on neutral mode. It’s one day at a time for me. One checkable, one episode, one box to doodle on in my planner, one 24 hours at a time. I don’t even think if I’m wasting any of it, I’m trying to live every day, for God’s sake. Not the best circumstances yet, but better chances arrive.

I wish I could get all that shit about him out of my head, good and bad, true and false. I wish un-believing comes easy for my heart. But my mind already figured it out, I just have to stop believing. I don’t believe in you, I don’t believe in us. I just have to not believe like I don’t with the guys in the past who somehow try to creep in my life now. Of course they come back, I’ve always tried to be good, to be the best, to be everything. I ain’t doing any of that now for anyone but me. I just try to believe in me now, no matter how fucking hard that gets.

Some music
Recent playlists: True love, true love but painful.
June so far:

1. Blouse by Clairo
2. Solar Power by Lorde
3. Lonely and Free by PRETTYMUCH
4. Gorgeous by mansionz
5. Wrote this piece with thoughtboutu by Karencici and Turn Away by WET, which I only learned at this same time.
   

Take care.