Poetry

Linggo

Mula sa malayo
Tinatanaw ang iyong pagdating
Bawat hakbang mong papalapit
Alam kong hindi aabot sa akin
Ang mga tingin mong lumilihis
Na wari’y nakatitig sa kawalan
Buti pa sa hangin ay may ngiti
Hindi mo ba nararamdaman?
Ang sikat ng araw na dumadampi
sa iyo ay nakikita ko palagi
Hindi man makatingin ay
nakikita kita at iniisip
Ninanais kang makilala
Sa isang oras kada linggo
Ngunit wala pa mang umpisa
ay tiyak nang mabibigo
Isang kahibangan at
mababaw lamang ito
Ang umibig ako
Mula sa malayo


It’s a hot summer again in the Philippines, and I wish I was spending it differently.  But there is comfort in the sadness and nostalgia from my childhood as I am spending this summer just like I always did before; mostly at home, writing, on my own, and with a burning, silly crush on a boy whose name I know but whom I don’t know.  Silly.  A little part of me is ashamed that I still do this, but most part of me is ashamed for being even a little bit ashamed of myself.  I should get over it.  I am this, and maybe this is my thing.  Not maybe, this is my thing.  I have a silly crush, and it’s all right.  I should stop overthinking it and just write it out.  I was supposed to publish a different poem in English, but it couldn’t quite capture the frustration, sadness, pain, and craziness that I feel. So here goes a Filipino one.


Photo from @vonmedeza.

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Music

Music To Make You Feel 1/n

Hi, there.  March is almost over.  For us Catholics, it is the Holy Week, and most are on break from school here in the Philippines.  I am most probably staying in with family.  Still hoping we could go to the beach before I start a full time job in June and during this graduation season.  Right now, my affinity to stay outdoors is satisfied with occasional hangouts with family and friends.  So far, Aries season is doing me good.  Pisces season, my season, wrecked me.  I hope you are doing well, and thanks for being here!  

I have always wanted to write about my favorite songs and artists at the moment.  I already have the Five Songs category here in my blog where I pick five different songs that serve as inspirations to a particular topic.  I equally enjoy writing and listening to music.  I would usually find inspiration from songs.  Sometimes I would find a feeling or a feeling would come to me through a song, which then would propel me to write a poem.  

As what the title says, here are songs to make you feel.  I understand that this may be subjective, that is why I included my thoughts, daydreams, or if I could name it, the feeling that I get whenever I would hear these songs. You may also listen to them on this playlist, https://open.spotify.com/user/mimssylorne/playlist/2vAvtvDTADkooWKawQBosb?si=FXEEul73QFafyNyui1Gupg

Baby I’m A Want You, Bread, Baby I’m-a Want You (1972)

I will start with an old favorite of mine from the older times.  This song never fails to make me ache.  It is a classic love song; pure, sweet, and sincere.  It is a declaration of love, of how this woman changed the life of this man.  A love that took so long, but definitely is worth the wait.  Now he just couldn’t help but sing of this strong feeling of need and satisfaction inside him.  It is almost like finally finding his own sunshine in this world.  This song takes me to a place where everything seems to be simpler. All that matters is this man’s love and this song that he sings for her woman.  

Poetry, Wrabel, We Could Be Beautiful (2017)

This EP from Wrabel is very good.  This song, Poetry, is one of the best-written love songs in this generation.  It somehow reminds me of “You Are Beautiful” by James Blunt.  It is a narrative of how this love started and how being with this love feels like a beautiful piece of poetry.  What I love the most in this song is the lyric, “Oh my, it is a big, big, big world out there, and looking for something, I finally found it right here.”  I guess it is just very hopeful.  It is expressing how finally finding the love that is perfect for you is the greatest gift you ever have in the world.  I do believe it is.    

Bigger than Love, Oh Wonder, Ultralife (2017)

This one is still positive and full of hope.  It is what the title says it is.  I love Oh Wonder’s sophomore album, and thinking about how Josephine and Anthony’s career has been since they started, this song becomes even more meaningful.  It is like the love that they found in what they do is already bigger than them as individuals and as artists.  It is something that they share with their fans.  It is special and divine; a blessing.  I think you can see the patter that I am really a sucker for this perspective on love.  I just think that as I get older and as life just keeps on getting harder, love is something so divine to even be found and shared with right people.  I guess whenever I hear this song, it just makes me believe that this kind of love still exists and that I would eventually have it.  

Animal, The Dunwells, Light Up the Sky (2016)

I have a lot of favorite songs from this album of The Dunwells.  I would be very honest that I love their songs, specifically Animal, as I would love for my special someone to sing me these songs.  This one is also a declaration of love with a good understanding of how the love being sung to may not be ready yet for it.  It is saying that we are all just animals and that it natural for us to feel and to want to love and be loved.  What makes the love in this song special is that it is patient and certain.  God, how many love these days are actually certain and patient?  It is just so difficult to find love.  Or maybe, it is just for me.  Anyway…

24/7, The Neighbourhood, The Neighbourhood (2018)

The last song for now would be from The Neighbourhood’s new album, which I am so addicted to since it was released this month.  This band is mostly known for their song Sweater Weather from 2014.   The Neighbourhood for me is the songs I would play in the car with my boyfriend as we go driving to nowhere in the middle of the night.  It is the reckless, anxiety-filled, takes-me-so-high, I-don’t-know-until-when-we-are-going-to-last-but-I-love-you-so-much kind of love.  You get it.  This song is exactly about being anxious about time and moving along in life.  It is saying that time is something we cannot keep on worrying about.  What is important is that,”You can hit my line like 24/7.”  That’s just sweet and reassuring in the most practical way.   


Photo by my bestfriend, von medeza.  Almost a year to my blog and he still gives me free access to his photos, and knows exactly what would be perfect for my writings. I’m a lucky friend.

Poetry

#27 nothing, no one, yet

you’re asking me to start
just to start again a year from now

you’re asking me to meet
embrace a person and open up
just to have him leave and say,
“he taught me a lesson”

you’re asking me to try
like i have never been before
just to get half of what i hoped for
and say, “i grow better in pain”

you’re asking me to believe
over and over, with no one
as witness but myself
Will it matter in the end?
is it okay to finally want the
credit i deserve?

nothing is constant but change
no one is consistent but Ache
nothing, no one, yet

i am growing wary
holding on for a reason,
unfortunately, still
i got reason
It’s heavy.

Five Songs

How I am thinking about you

I turned 21 last 19th. I wonder how with older age my perception of love would change. It scares me a little as I’ve always had high expectations on Love. I am that wide-eyed girl who grew up daydreaming of a special love with the special man.

I easily attach myself to people, or to ideas of them. I’d like to think I am more careful now after all the heartaches I went through (or have put myself through). I have never experienced the love I’ve been dreaming of, and not to be pessimistic about it, but a part of me just awaits for when all my faith and excitement on an unconditional, romantic love would be put into rest. Not at all pessimistic, right.

But right now, as I can still feel and believe and hope and want to try, here are five songs that I dedicate to someone I would want to share love with. You may also listen to the songs in this Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/mimssylorne/playlist/6zSt2sv4B4cA3Vw2HITrmQ

1. Wild Love, James Bay, Single (2018)

I wanna give you wild love
The kind that never slows down
I wanna take you high up
Let our hearts be the only sound
I wanna go where the lights burn low and you’re only mine.

I don’t know how and when I’m going to see you. What version of me you are going to meet. I don’t know where would I be in my life when you will finally arrive, but as long as you’d fit in, I think that it will be all right.

I hope I could love you in ways I’ve imagined. I hope you would want me to. I hope everyday with you would be exciting not because of what we are doing or where we are going. But because just being with you takes me so high already. Just being with you is enough. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I would feel enough and loved. I would feel at home every time. You will be home.

2. Collide, Rachel Platten, Waves (2017)

I’m a stormy ocean,
but you’re steady
I’m like a commotion,
but you get me
Too many emotions, but you let me
Let me blossom in the dark
Turn the lights on, honey
Honey, I don’t wanna hide.

I wish I could say I’d be easy but I’m afraid I am not born to make life easier. I am complicated, I feel so very deeply, and I am either too much or too less of something. I might be the reason of the tough times we’d have together, and you could say I never really learn. Maybe I do have the tendency to push the limits of the people who claim to love me just to reassure me. I am sorry, but I will never stop trying. In that, you can rely on me.

I have loved you even before I met you, and I might not know how to show it properly. Be patient. All I’d be wanting is you. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to live simply loving someone who I can depend on. I hope that you’d learn not to take anything against me. I don’t deserve that. I can’t accept that.

3. Somebody Special, Nina Nesbitt, Single (2018)

I’ve been lonely way too long
I’ve been loving all the wrong kind
I’ve been falling in your arms
Feeling like I’m good here for life.

Am I pressuring you? I’ve been worrying I’d never find someone special. It’s a tough life. I don’t want to burden you with my past and with how I am. I think I’d just have to see if you would be up for everything that I am amd whether I would be up for everything that you are.

That would be so special. To be at the right time with someone right for you. How long? I don’t know. But try to be really there when we are finally there. Please do not be half-hearted, do not second-guess, and don’t let me be an afterthought. Walk fast, away from me, if you do.

4. Miss You, Gabrielle Aplin, Miss You-EP (2016)

Will you be my bestfriend?
Will you be my last?
I need somebody
who can love me like that.

I miss you so much. All my life. Things happened this way, and I’ve never felt the love I’ve been so readily giving away. I still need to learn so many things. I’m starting to feel tired and to give up. It has always been in my mind, and I’m so afraid you’d take it all against me; everything that I am and I am not. The love given to me has always been measured for what I can and can’t do. I’m afraid it’s what I’ve been doing to others, too. That’s fucked up. Maybe I need a divine intervention. I don’t know what would make me choose you. When I do, would all these be thrown away in the trash? Would my idea of love still feel the same? I’m so sorry. Let’s try to be better.

5. Last of the True Believers, Jessie Ware, Glasshouse (2017)

Let’s be alone together
where the sky falls through the river, the last of the true believers.
Let’s get lost forever.
Are you hearing me?
Are you listening?

Pick up on my prayers. I hope God leads us to one another. And I pray to be patient and to remain a believer until that day comes. I hope it would all feel worth it in the end. I wish to never fade. I hope one day it’s not only all in my head.


Took the photo from a travel account in Twitter I’ve forgotten. How lovely it is to roam this kind of streets.

Uncategorized

Life after undergraduate and before graduation

It has been a long time. I almost forget how to do this. Since December of last year, I have let every chance slipped. I always thought, I am just not inspired enough to write anything.

I wanted to rest. Right after I submitted the grades of my students, which was the last requirement of my undergraduate life, I instantly took the chance to enjoy a well-deserved rest.

I was happy. I was contented. I knew I did a great job. I know I killed that practicum.  And finally, it was Christmas. 

But I was also disappointed. I didn’t write a single blog before the year ends because I knew I would have to lie if I save just a single detail about what I was feeling during the time. I got the highest grade in all of my subjects last semester, but I was not nominated as Best Student Teacher. Say everything about how-awards-do-not-define-your-performance, I already know. I have said them to myself. But this matter still crept under all the joy of my success. It didn’t help when I suddenly found myself lost where to go next.

I admit that this was not what I imagined life after practicum would be, but then again, I have always been a fucking idealist. I thought I would instantly have a job even before the graduation in June. I thought I would have it all instantly figured out. Fucking idealist.

Come 2018, I started to feel sad. I don’t know how to tell my parents what I am feeling. I know that now is the time to provide for them, and although they do not impose any pressure on me, nothing could already amount with the pressure I always bestow upon me.

I started to feel afraid, too. Lack of enough and efficient communication with my parents gets me losing my confidence. I want to do so many things, but I could not know enough that they believe in me. There is a reason why Words of Affirmation is the first of my love languages. I always need to hear, or else I’d forever doubt it exists.

I have been losing friends, or so I think. I do not have the constancy of my favorite people’s presence anymore. It feels alone in here. I am learning how to be all right with it every day. I just don’t know up to what cost. I know it will be better, but what do I have to lose? What do I have to learn? What do I have to sacrifice? How long?

It is silly that right after I wrote these questions, my next thought is that, You don’t have to comfort me. You see, the kind of world that adulting imposes on you is one where you should never show moments of weakness. You have to fake it until you make it. I don’t know what kind of brain wirings the Lord had let me develop, but I have never found this easy. I already did a lot of faking-until-I-make-it, and now I am done. There are things that I hope not to do anymore, people that I hope not to meet again, but many would say this is just how the world works; we have to earn every little taste of happiness. 

I am afraid I’d eventually forget how to be soft and kind in a world where many people couldn’t/wouldn’t recognize it as beautiful.

It is extremely difficult to find inspiration. I am having a hard time keeping myself inspired and motivated at this point. It is a miracle that I was able to publish this blog.

Regardless, just today, I already have four part-time jobs on my plate.  I am almost earning what I would earn if I were employed in a school. So much about not being motivated and inspired, right?

I know.

I am an overthinker and I am too, way way too much, hard on myself. It is a cross I’d eventually have to let go, because I know. I really don’t deserve it.  

Everything is going to be better. I just wish I would still love whoever I turn out to be in the end. 

Poetry

The Sunset Collection

How are you?  This one-week break is coming to a close.  It is Friday now as of writing.  Instead of finishing my lesson plans in advance, all I have been doing are to catch up with Stranger Things and to write.  This “collection” is one perfect example.  I originally posted these short pieces on my Twitter account with one photo of a sunset I took (except the featured one, which was taken by my bestrfriend, Von).  

My friends know that I love the color orange, and whenever they would ask why, I would say, “Orange like the sunset.” I am in love with the sun. I love the fact that it rises in the morning and sets at dusk. It happens everyday. Maybe I love it because it is constant. I have known only a few things that are as constant as the sun….


IMG20171111172958

those nights are over
these, with you, are new
we’ll talk about it, things
that people don’t usually do
i will steal glances of you
until you see me trustworthy
hum songs at the side
hear the sound of your smile
there could be a nicer place but
i’ll make here worth the while

IMG20170605184046

dress you up in my head
i want something real
not just an idea of something
so i undress you again
how can i see you
if you don’t like what you see
yourself? trust me, i don’t
like my mess, too. but to choose
to bare and to stay after
is the greatest peace. babe.

IMG_20171114_234228

i wish i could say
you understood me
in the way i want you to;
Hold me like that,
Kiss me like this.
Should you have stayed,
would i have been able
to communicate?
You were not what I need
I don’t need anyone,
but I wanted to, you.
Wasn’t that enough
to be, my love?

IMG20161227171903

Fresh air in your lungs,
Breathe me in.
You send me shivers
after-shock electricity.
New words in my head
half of them you activate-
flow, softer, dance,
you, move, enthralled,
dream, seen, bliss,
I, blown, free.
Listen.

Do not worry,
let’s just breathe.

IMG20161227165505

we wake up and go
waiting for something to stick,
hoping for someone to stay
in this life that never slows
down. Do you know?
The sun sometimes dim,
the moon sometimes hides,
but like the sun everlasting,
they are never really gone.
I want to be like a Song to you.
One that you never forget,
that Poetry stuck in your head.
so the next time you are here,
Wake up with me and Stay.

Poetry

#26 Love me

Love me;
Sprawled around and all over
the wirings inside my head.
I am trying to be brave for this
but I just keep thinking
You would cease to love me
if I’m weak. When I’m weak

love me.
Do not take it against me.
I am a girl who’s unruly
A woman of your dreams, too.
I can’t stop worrying
I am not loving you enough.
Am I enough? when I am not,

you have to love me.
It doesn’t get easier, we’ll see
everything’s changing.
Ground me constantly
and I will keep choosing
You. Over and over again.
Forever be singing, love, you.