Epiphanies

Waking up from living inside my head

It was just four years ago when I realized my strong propensity to live inside my head.  I am turning 21 in three months.  I still catch myself whenever my brain starts to wander to places I saw on TV, with people I met from watching movies; seeing myself prettier, happier, more loved. 

I was happy because it is what I thought I am.  They say that to attract happiness it all starts in the head, but to me, it got way too much.  I was resilient to adversities but it also taught me how to be good at pretending.  It was not my intention to lie but I also did not have enough space to be real.  I grew up not able to share my life with my parents no matter how we see each other every day.  I have developed great friendships over the years in addition to the many people who know and are fond of me, but in the end, I sleep with only my head.

It was not much of a problem until I learned that my loneliness stems from the disparity between my ideals and my reality.  I was not delusional I just chose not to address the issues head-on.  I knew the things that needed changing but I resorted to waiting.  I was stubborn as much as I was a coward; I felt like I could not do anything.  There came a point when I wish I was living a different life, instead of actually solving my problems.  

When I found a boy who I thought could give me the care and the attention that I needed, I was obsessed.  From the moment it started I could not come down from some kind of high.  I built it all in my head; having a relationship.  I did not see the person for who he really is, I was just hoping that he would be who I hope to find, who I need. I did not even know what I truly need.  It was wrong.  And as what I said in my previous entries, it took me a long time to accept that it was.  I was wrong and I need a lot of changing. 

I am not sure up to what extent that experience changed me, but I know that I am better now with all this understanding.  Certainly, I am more careful with love now, and sometimes it scares me that I may be being too careful that soon, eventually, I will become cold and shut-off myself.  It scares me that I am not that wide-eyed girl anymore, one who is in love with love.  I sometimes ask, is it too wrong to be that way?  Up to what extent do I have to change myself to be in a successful relationship?  This is my head talking again. 

It has been three months since my practice teaching started.  It has compelled me to think about something important in my reality.  The last quarter of the year really taught me to focus on my physical, mental, and emotional health.  The tragedy I went through this year gave me the lens to see things as they truly are and the courage to accept them.  I learned that acceptance is the first step to navigating life.  From there, and with kindness towards myself, I am able to better ground my head now.  I am able to hope for a better love and a better me while doing small, concrete steps every day.  I pray to always keep the faith burning.    

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Poetry

#25 anything, something

it is who you meet on
a Thursday night
when you said,
“I am not going out.”

it is the mundane
in the new name
a new sound you’ll remember
the morning after

when every detail is matched
with a new pair of eyes
a brand new smile
you got to stop

for a while

it is your self
who you are so afraid
how hope gets in the head
daydreaming
of brand new attachments
that only cause heartache

it is how nothing starts
and everything begins with you
i wish i could tell you
anything, something
other than, “Stop it.”

Love, go ahead.


Photo by vonmedeza.

Poetry

#24 Proof

these days i stare by the windowpane
waiting for some proof to settle on me
it’s true i still think of you daily, but
my heart knows it not to be intentionally;
you are all i know.

these days i sit by myself
asking, “have I let go of all of the pain?”
as the past come rushing through my head
i am not going to cry again;
i just need something new.

these days i listen to the songs
whose face should i be dreaming of?
i try to picture you, but i couldn’t buy it
i tried again, heart is disappointed;
you are not who i need.

these days i can feel the sun
i marvel at the beauty of the night
the darkness tries to pull me in
snatching all proof that i am better now;
i can never let it win.


Photography unknown.

Poetry

#23 Because

Because I did
Because I thought I could and
jumped head-first off the bridge,
I was afraid.

Because of hope, blinding as it was,
I saw a future that’s bright
I looked forward to the days,
It was bliss.

Because of love, the idea of it
infiltrated my system and
poisoned my mind,
It was love.

Because, of course. Why not?
I did love him out of hope,
out of love. Why not?
It shouldn’t have been by that.


Photo by vonmedeza.

Five Songs

How it is like to slowly, finally let go

I have done enough teacher stuff for the day and no entry for Five Songs in a while.  Whenever I do this, I make sure that I listen to each song I feature. This is how I am going to rest tonight; by carefully asking myself how I am doing it.  Letting go, that is.

1. Need You, Allie X feat. Valley Girl, Collxtion II (2017)

Sitting here with
a fist full of ashes
and a heart that I can’t
even use, just keep telling myself
over and over, “I don’t need you.”

It took me a long time to get over myself.  It was just recently when I discovered that it is me who I have to get over with.  It is me who couldn’t let go of the idea of you, of us,  of the could be’s, and the what if’s.  I had so much faith in love.  It took me a while to accept that it was all just in my head.  My idealism made it hard for me to see some truths.  Yes, maybe we were really in love and we were happy, but we were not enough–for each other and more importantly, for ourselves.

I had to get over my faith.  I had to accept that sometimes, intentions aren’t enough.  I had to lose to my expectations and see through losing some hope.  It wasn’t easy. I can be very stubborn with the things that I believe in, trying to maintain my idea of who I am.  But perhaps I am not supposed to be that person this time.  I am not supposed to be the one who stays and loves someone through hard times.  Maybe not this time.  Not today.

2. Atlantis, Bridgit Mendler feat. Kaiydo, Nemesis (2017)

I know how to feel
I know that love exists
It’s asleep with the fishes
Down in Atlantis
Oh, My Lord, where’s my soul?
How did we end up like this?

It took me a long time to accept that love, romantic love, is not what I need right now.  I guess when I was younger I always thought that it was just easy to be with someone.  What could be so difficult in giving and accepting love?  I love love.  I still do.  But it can be very difficult to love right, to feel right, to treat yourself right, and to treat another human being right.  Relationships are not easy.  Nothing about it is easy at all.  And I dived head-first.  I had so much hope but with not enough offenses and defenses.  It took me a long time to accept that I was not ready.  I didn’t know.  And like what I said I can be very stubborn.

I had to accept that I was wrong about what I thought I am and what I thought I can do.  I had to accept that I was not good at it no matter how much I believe that I CAN be good at it– relationships.  I had to accept I was wrong, and it took me everything to mourn that fact before I finally made peace with it.  I had to forgive myself.  It was just recently when I learned to have more courage to tolerate the parts of me that still think of the past.  I learned to accept that it is going to be part of all of this, and that’s okay.  The past is part of my present, and that is okay.  It shall be.

3. No Goodbyes, Dua Lipa, Dua Lipa (2017)

Yes I hurt you, and you hurt me
We did some things that we can never take back
And we tried hard just to fix it
but we’re broken more and so I guess
some things are not meant to last.

I have to admit that I have not totally let go of all of the anger.  I sometimes think I hate you.  But I am also reminded that I don’t know you anymore.  Maybe the things that still upset me are all rooted on how I think or process or response to things.  It is hard to accept that I don’t have any control over you and your actions.  I should not want to fix you.  You are who you are, and if don’t sit well with me, then I don’t have to like it, I don’t have to want to change it.

For a long time, I was hurt that you are not who I thought you were.  I was mad that maybe I was wrong for loving you, for tolerating the parts of you that I don’t like just because I thought I love you.  This is very hard to process and to say, but I have to admit that there were so many things about you that I shouldn’t have liked, that I shouldn’t have said, “That’s okay, I can accept that now. Later, eventually, it will change.”  I was unfair to you for not having the courage to tell you the things I don’t like about you.  And I learned that I grieved for so long because I was unfair to myself.  I didn’t know how to assert my needs, my wants.  I was too afraid we were not going to last, that I had to lie to myself everything was okay, everything was going to be okay.  Until it didn’t.  I loved you in a wrong way.  It haunts me now that, if it was wrong, then was it really love?

4. Worst In Me, Julia Michaels, Nervous System (2017)

Maybe it’s the worst in me
that’s bringing out the worst in you
I know we could fix these kinks
but the worst in me doesn’t want to
work on things, but the best in me wants to love you
but the worst in me doesn’t want to.

It took me a long time to accept that these things happen.  And that these things happened to me.  I always thought I didn’t deserve to be hurt like this.  With all the love I can offer, I didn’t deserve to be left like this.  But with all the love I can offer, maybe I deserve to go through all of it.  I had to learn to manage that so-called love of mine.  I had to learn it, get to know about it, destroy it, hate it, accept it, to be able to hand it properly to someone next time.  I had to learn.  And I sometimes wonder if I would be able to write all of this if it weren’t for the things that I went through.  I wonder if there was any other way to be better than being left by a special person and by crying your heart out for six months.  I have always told myself, maybe there was another way, but maybe this is the way for me.  It is so hard not to regret.  I am working on it.

5. Meant To Be, Bebe Rexha feat. Florida Georgia Line, All Your Fault Pt. 2 (2017)

Maybe we do, maybe we don’t.
Maybe we will, maybe we won’t.
If it’s meant to be
It will be, it will be
Baby, just let it be.

I was never a fan of “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”  I am always the one who tries to go after the things that I want.  But my way is only one of the many ways that we can go after what or who we want.  I can be reckless and impulsive, I know that.  I had to learn to be okay with the opposite of that. Right now, I am focusing on the things that are effortlessly in front of me, like my practicum and my other responsibilities in life.  I am trying to be a good teacher-student, a good daughter, a good friend, a good co-worker, and a good person to myself.  When I am not too idealistic, I know that I can’t be in a relationship right now.  But slowly, I am able to look forward to it again.

A friend told me that a greater love is the only thing that will fully heal me.  I am working that it will be the kind of love that is not perfect but enough, a love that is brave, honest, and unconditional.  It will be.

Poetry

Hindi ba?

Nakabibingi ang katahimikan.
Walang ibang laman ang isip
kundi’y kaguluhan.
Mga salita ko laban
sa pagkawalang-bahala mo.
Ikaw ba talaga
ang minahal kong tao?

Hinahanap ka.
Nais na paniwalaan ka.
O baka nama’y hindi
ka na kailangan pa.
Tanging nasasaktan
na sa’yo ang lahat ay laro
at aksaya lamang. Hindi ba?


Maligayang Buwan ng mga Wika! Utang ko sa wikang Filipino ang kasanaayan ko sa wikang Ingles.


Larawan ni vonmedeza.

Epiphanies

to you.

To sit and dream, to sit and read,

To sit and learn about the world

Outside our world of here and now- our problem world–

To dream of vast horizons of the soul

Through dreams of made whole,

Unfettered free– help me!

All you who are dreamers, too,

Help me make our world anew.

I reach out my dreams to you.

To You, Langston Hughes

Today is going to be a start of something new for me. I’ll be staying in a new house, a boarding house, for the last semester of my college life. And although technically it’s just two hours away from my home and I will be there for just four to five days a week, it is still a mark of something new.

Any time this week my practicum will officially start. I am finally putting into practice everything that I learned for the past four years. I am finally going to be a practicing teacher, and I am excited for everything that’s in store for me. But before I drown in the nitty and gritty of a new lifestyle and lose sight of when’s my next entries going to be, I have some things to say.

To you, my readers. I don’t know who you are (or maybe I do), but I’d like you to know that I see you. Literally through my stats, and sometimes when someone has visited or stumbled upon my posts, I do feel bad when there is nothing new to see here. As you might have known by now, everything in this blog is almost always personal to me. I wrote about a lost love, moving forward, an occasional “I think I finally moved pass the heartbreak now and I’m happy” post, but no matter how hard I try there’s so much more than what my words could ever express in my works. It’s frustrating because I’ve written so many and yet there are just emotions, ideas, and experiences that couldn’t be confined in any language.

I’d like to let you know how I am doing now, but the truth is, I wish I really knew. Have you ever felt wanting so badly to maintain honesty with yourself that you’re scared to carelessly pick words to communicate what you’re going through? I try and try to talk about how I feel and there are times that it still isn’t enough. I don’t know if nobody could understand me or I am just not communicating myself properly.

I grew tired. I didn’t write for the most part of July because I’m trying to distance myself from myself. I am familiar with my mind too much that to be able to change some things such as my detrimental thought patterns, I had to stop dwelling with “overthinking” and “overfeeling”. 

IMG_20170808_001920

And it helped. For two weeks straight I didn’t cry at night. It can all get too much for me sometimes, but that is part of who I am. I can go on here talking about everything I’ve learned through half a year of living while grieving, but I’d save that for the future, because there are still so many to learn these days. 

What I really like to share with you now is the realization that it can be so hard to “just be yourself” as what we always encourage each other to do. What makes it complicated for me is that, a lot of who I am needs others for it to fully realized itself. I am the one who thrives in people and with people. I love making them happy, getting out the best in them, and ensuring that they’re taken care of. That has always been me. And in return I grew to need only their validation. If I somehow managed to help someone, and if they happen to see and appreciate my kindness and compassion, then I become more alive than ever.

When that heartbreak happened, it was too difficult to believe in who I think I was, and I found out that I could be the most unkind and inconsiderate person to myself. All I ever wanted is aunthenticity in my relationships. The only mistake is that I didn’t know how to act on that honesty when it comes to myself. I was afraid to give myself credit, to believe that I can and I deserve to put myself first.

Sometimes I am scared that nobody will ever get and accept me, just because my past love didn’t. But I am carrying on, and I am finding the courage to express who I am, maybe that’s why I am also sharing this to you. I think we all deserve to be known and to be loved, really loved, for who we truly are. How does that happen, I don’t really know, and it can be very terrifying opening yourself up to new people again. But, courage. Now I am finding the courage to know and to love myself for who I really am. To you, I pray that you would, too. As ever, thank you. 


Photo by vonmedeza.