It has been a long time. I almost forget how to do this. Since December of last year, I have let every chance slipped. I always thought, I am just not inspired enough to write anything.
I wanted to rest. Right after I submitted the grades of my students, which was the last requirement of my undergraduate life, I instantly took the chance to enjoy a well-deserved rest.
I was happy. I was contented. I knew I did a great job. I know I killed that practicum. And finally, it was Christmas.
But I was also disappointed. I didn’t write a single blog before the year ends because I knew I would have to lie if I save just a single detail about what I was feeling during the time. I got the highest grade in all of my subjects last semester, but I was not nominated as Best Student Teacher. Say everything about how-awards-do-not-define-your-performance, I already know. I have said them to myself. But this matter still crept under all the joy of my success. It didn’t help when I suddenly found myself lost where to go next.
I admit that this was not what I imagined life after practicum would be, but then again, I have always been a fucking idealist. I thought I would instantly have a job even before the graduation in June. I thought I would have it all instantly figured out. Fucking idealist.
Come 2018, I started to feel sad. I don’t know how to tell my parents what I am feeling. I know that now is the time to provide for them, and although they do not impose any pressure on me, nothing could already amount with the pressure I always bestow upon me.
I started to feel afraid, too. Lack of enough and efficient communication with my parents gets me losing my confidence. I want to do so many things, but I could not know enough that they believe in me. There is a reason why Words of Affirmation is the first of my love languages. I always need to hear, or else I’d forever doubt it exists.
I have been losing friends, or so I think. I do not have the constancy of my favorite people’s presence anymore. It feels alone in here. I am learning how to be all right with it every day. I just don’t know up to what cost. I know it will be better, but what do I have to lose? What do I have to learn? What do I have to sacrifice? How long?
It is silly that right after I wrote these questions, my next thought is that, You don’t have to comfort me. You see, the kind of world that adulting imposes on you is one where you should never show moments of weakness. You have to fake it until you make it. I don’t know what kind of brain wirings the Lord had let me develop, but I have never found this easy. I already did a lot of faking-until-I-make-it, and now I am done. There are things that I hope not to do anymore, people that I hope not to meet again, but many would say this is just how the world works; we have to earn every little taste of happiness.
I am afraid I’d eventually forget how to be soft and kind in a world where many people couldn’t/wouldn’t recognize it as beautiful.
It is extremely difficult to find inspiration. I am having a hard time keeping myself inspired and motivated at this point. It is a miracle that I was able to publish this blog.
Regardless, just today, I already have four part-time jobs on my plate. I am almost earning what I would earn if I were employed in a school. So much about not being motivated and inspired, right?
I am an overthinker and I am too, way way too much, hard on myself. It is a cross I’d eventually have to let go, because I know. I really don’t deserve it.
Everything is going to be better. I just wish I would still love whoever I turn out to be in the end.