Plug in your earphones. Turn up your Spotify. And listen to the songs as you read through.
1. Walk Away, LANY, Make Out-EP (2015)
“You and I would be just fine
If I was the one to stay
the day and waste away, but
I tend to run.
I’m too good at leaving love,
I don’t wanna be”.
I don’t know about you anymore. It feels like we haven’t talked in forever when it’s just a little more than two months since we (you) called things off. I’ve gone through an endless cycle of pain, resentment, numbness, insecurity, confusion, and acceptance. Through it all, there was always a weak voice that saves you, that saves me from hating you. It says, maybe you really didn’t want to be selfish. Maybe it’s not that you didn’t love me enough to just walk away like that, you just couldn’t be the person you want to be if you stayed with me. Maybe.
2. Birthmark, Thomston, Topograph (2016)
“When your name doesn’t hurt to say and
I think about you less each passing day,
when I can’t feel your weight,
will I miss the way it feels to miss you?”
I knew the day would come that I am just so exhausted that my mind would shut itself off whenever it remembers to remember you. I watched it all happen, and I fought the burning pain in my chest through all of the days. I didn’t want to let go. Time, and everything that were happening and were not happening finally lead me to this. I should be thankful, and somehow, I am.
3. Mother Earth, Banks, The Altar (2016)
“Follow me to my bed
‘cause every time you fall
I’ll be holding your head up, and
when will you get tired of feeling bad?
Every time you fall, follow me”.
If there is anything I’ll treasure the most from this; it made me love and trust myself than I ever did in my life. They (even you) said that we cannot learn without pain. I don’t know. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you really had to leave for me to see my worth, for me to realize what I truly deserve. I can’t and I don’t want to think about it anymore trying to justify your actions. All I know is I have myself; I’ve always had myself. When I loved you, I was being true to myself. I trusted myself. I was with myself, and just if you ever thought of it… No, I didn’t lose myself in choosing to love you. I chose to turn into someone who can love you enough. But I know now that I cannot love anyone into loving me.
4. Green Light, Lorde, Melodrama (2017)
“I hear sounds in my mind
brand new sounds in my mind
Honey, I’ll be seeing you wherever I go
Honey, I’ll be seeing you down every road
I’m waiting for it,
that green light I want it”.
And, I’m ready for it. I’m taking over. I can’t keep choosing the grief and all that comes with it.
5. Anything Could Happen, Ellie Goulding, Halcyon Days (2013)
“I’ll give you everything you need but
I don’t think I need you.
I know it’s gonna be all right”.
I loved you. I am hoping that I find a way to deal with this truth for all of my life. It is part of who I am now and who I will become. Maybe there are things that still need patching up, that need further recovery. Time is always doing its work for everyone. I am working hard to make sure that I love the person that’s emerging from this storm. I will love her.
Photo taken by @vonmedeza.