Five Songs · Heartbreak

Five Songs: How I See A Heartbreak, 2 Months Later 

Plug in your earphones. Turn up your Spotify. And listen to the songs as you read through.

1. Walk Away, LANY, Make Out-EP (2015)

“You and I would be just fine

If I was the one to stay

the day and waste away, but

I tend to run.

I’m too good at leaving love,

I don’t wanna be”.

I don’t know about you anymore. It feels like we haven’t talked in forever when it’s just a little more than two months since we (you) called things off. I’ve gone through an endless cycle of pain, resentment, numbness, insecurity, confusion, and acceptance. Through it all, there was always a weak voice that saves you, that saves me from hating you. It says, maybe you really didn’t want to be selfish. Maybe it’s not that you didn’t love me enough to just walk away like that, you just couldn’t be the person you want to be if you stayed with me. Maybe.

2.  Birthmark, Thomston, Topograph (2016)

“When your name doesn’t hurt to say and

I think about you less each passing day,

when I can’t feel your weight,

will I miss the way it feels to miss you?”

I knew the day would come that I am just so exhausted that my mind would shut itself off whenever it remembers to remember you. I watched it all happen, and I fought the burning pain in my chest through all of the days. I didn’t want to let go. Time, and everything that were happening and were not happening finally lead me to this. I should be thankful, and somehow, I am.

3.  Mother Earth, Banks, The Altar (2016)

“Follow me to my bed

‘cause every time you fall

I’ll be holding your head up, and

when will you get tired of feeling bad?

Every time you fall, follow me”.

If there is anything I’ll treasure the most from this; it made me love and trust myself than I ever did in my life. They (even you) said that we cannot learn without pain. I don’t know. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you really had to leave for me to see my worth, for me to realize what I truly deserve. I can’t and I don’t want to think about it anymore trying to justify your actions. All I know is I have myself; I’ve always had myself. When I loved you, I was being true to myself. I trusted myself. I was with myself, and just if you ever thought of it… No, I didn’t lose myself in choosing to love you. I chose to turn into someone who can love you enough. But I know now that I cannot love anyone into loving me.

4.  Green Light, Lorde, Melodrama (2017)

“I hear sounds in my mind

brand new sounds in my mind

Honey, I’ll be seeing you wherever I go

Honey, I’ll be seeing you down every road

I’m waiting for it,

that green light I want it”.

And, I’m ready for it. I’m taking over. I can’t keep choosing the grief and all that comes with it. 

5.  Anything Could Happen, Ellie Goulding, Halcyon Days (2013)

“I’ll give you everything you need but

I don’t think I need you.

I know it’s gonna be all right”.

I loved you. I am hoping that I find a way to deal with this truth for all of my life. It is part of who I am now and who I will become. Maybe there are things that still need patching up, that need further recovery. Time is always doing its work for everyone. I am working hard to make sure that I love the person that’s emerging from this storm. I will love her. 

Photo taken by @vonmedeza.

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Heartbreak

All My Life I Have Avoided Cliches Until Everything About Us Has Turned Into One

Hey.

There are some things in life you will never see coming.

I never thought I would fall for you. You are the moon to my sun. You seemed to always be so distant, so lonely inside. But I had noticed you. One day, I saw you and thought, “What are all this light for if you have no one to share it with?” You wanted it. I wanted you to want it. I did not think that, maybe, you never really need it. 

Opposites attract.  

We did. For someone who never run out of words, I loved the silence with you. For someone who likes going places, I liked staying at one location killing time with you. I wanted to learn the language you’re speaking. I wanted to listen to your favorite songs and sing them back to you. I wanted to know your mind, to see how I am projected there. I wanted to be your love. I wanted so many things. Maybe, I wanted them too bad.

All is fair in love and war.

I held on to what it meant to love someone. Blinking through red lights and warning signs, I held on to you. We were never perfect, and we knew neither of us should take it against the other. But what should lovers do with all their differences? I did my best to let you know I will never stop accepting the difficult that was you, the unknown that was us, just as long as you want to keep on trying for the crazy that was me. But it wasn’t just for you. It was too much hard work, and I had to concede to you. 

In every ending, there is a new beginning. 

Indeed, it was the start of the endless, sudden urges to cry whenever I would remember you. It was beginning every morning with a burning pain in the chest and a helpless cheer of “Get up now. It’s okay”. To me, it was the start of doubting my capacity to love and the capacity of love to be sufficient. Because I couldn’t love you enough to stay. It was the beginning of doubting every person I meet, of what could their motives truly be. It was the start of something new. I was changing into someone I was afraid to meet. Does she have trust issues and bitterness in her mouth? Does she still laugh and shine like the sun? Can they ever be healed, the scars in her heart? I didn’t know. I was too afraid to know.

Time heals all wounds. 

It has been months, my moon. My sunshine have braved the rain and the gloom. Sometimes I still struggle, but I have managed to embraced strong waves of emotions. I have cried my heart out, and I guess I can still speak with romance in my tongue. Cliches are overrated, yes. They are too familiar sentiments that I’ve tried to avoid them. But you and I lived by them. Without you, cliches have helped me get through. I always try to be different, but sometimes I end up as “just okay.” And okay is not bad. For now.


Photo taken by @vonmedeza.