Five Songs

How I am thinking about you

I turned 21 last 19th. I wonder how with older age my perception of love would change. It scares me a little as I’ve always had high expectations on Love. I am that wide-eyed girl who grew up daydreaming of a special love with the special man.

I easily attach myself to people, or to ideas of them. I’d like to think I am more careful now after all the heartaches I went through (or have put myself through). I have never experienced the love I’ve been dreaming of, and not to be pessimistic about it, but a part of me just awaits for when all my faith and excitement on an unconditional, romantic love would be put into rest. Not at all pessimistic, right.

But right now, as I can still feel and believe and hope and want to try, here are five songs that I dedicate to someone I would want to share love with. You may also listen to the songs in this Spotify playlist:

1. Wild Love, James Bay, Single (2018)

I wanna give you wild love
The kind that never slows down
I wanna take you high up
Let our hearts be the only sound
I wanna go where the lights burn low and you’re only mine.

I don’t know how and when I’m going to see you. What version of me you are going to meet. I don’t know where would I be in my life when you will finally arrive, but as long as you’d fit in, I think that it will be all right.

I hope I could love you in ways I’ve imagined. I hope you would want me to. I hope everyday with you would be exciting not because of what we are doing or where we are going. But because just being with you takes me so high already. Just being with you is enough. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I would feel enough and loved. I would feel at home every time. You will be home.

2. Collide, Rachel Platten, Waves (2017)

I’m a stormy ocean,
but you’re steady
I’m like a commotion,
but you get me
Too many emotions, but you let me
Let me blossom in the dark
Turn the lights on, honey
Honey, I don’t wanna hide.

I wish I could say I’d be easy but I’m afraid I am not born to make life easier. I am complicated, I feel so very deeply, and I am either too much or too less of something. I might be the reason of the tough times we’d have together, and you could say I never really learn. Maybe I do have the tendency to push the limits of the people who claim to love me just to reassure me. I am sorry, but I will never stop trying. In that, you can rely on me.

I have loved you even before I met you, and I might not know how to show it properly. Be patient. All I’d be wanting is you. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to live simply loving someone who I can depend on. I hope that you’d learn not to take anything against me. I don’t deserve that. I can’t accept that.

3. Somebody Special, Nina Nesbitt, Single (2018)

I’ve been lonely way too long
I’ve been loving all the wrong kind
I’ve been falling in your arms
Feeling like I’m good here for life.

Am I pressuring you? I’ve been worrying I’d never find someone special. It’s a tough life. I don’t want to burden you with my past and with how I am. I think I’d just have to see if you would be up for everything that I am amd whether I would be up for everything that you are.

That would be so special. To be at the right time with someone right for you. How long? I don’t know. But try to be really there when we are finally there. Please do not be half-hearted, do not second-guess, and don’t let me be an afterthought. Walk fast, away from me, if you do.

4. Miss You, Gabrielle Aplin, Miss You-EP (2016)

Will you be my bestfriend?
Will you be my last?
I need somebody
who can love me like that.

I miss you so much. All my life. Things happened this way, and I’ve never felt the love I’ve been so readily giving away. I still need to learn so many things. I’m starting to feel tired and to give up. It has always been in my mind, and I’m so afraid you’d take it all against me; everything that I am and I am not. The love given to me has always been measured for what I can and can’t do. I’m afraid it’s what I’ve been doing to others, too. That’s fucked up. Maybe I need a divine intervention. I don’t know what would make me choose you. When I do, would all these be thrown away in the trash? Would my idea of love still feel the same? I’m so sorry. Let’s try to be better.

5. Last of the True Believers, Jessie Ware, Glasshouse (2017)

Let’s be alone together
where the sky falls through the river, the last of the true believers.
Let’s get lost forever.
Are you hearing me?
Are you listening?

Pick up on my prayers. I hope God leads us to one another. And I pray to be patient and to remain a believer until that day comes. I hope it would all feel worth it in the end. I wish to never fade. I hope one day it’s not only all in my head.

Took the photo from a travel account in Twitter I’ve forgotten. How lovely it is to roam this kind of streets.

Five Songs

How it is like to slowly, finally let go

I have done enough teacher stuff for the day and no entry for Five Songs in a while.  Whenever I do this, I make sure that I listen to each song I feature. This is how I am going to rest tonight; by carefully asking myself how I am doing it.  Letting go, that is.

1. Need You, Allie X feat. Valley Girl, Collxtion II (2017)

Sitting here with
a fist full of ashes
and a heart that I can’t
even use, just keep telling myself
over and over, “I don’t need you.”

It took me a long time to get over myself.  It was just recently when I discovered that it is me who I have to get over with.  It is me who couldn’t let go of the idea of you, of us,  of the could be’s, and the what if’s.  I had so much faith in love.  It took me a while to accept that it was all just in my head.  My idealism made it hard for me to see some truths.  Yes, maybe we were really in love and we were happy, but we were not enough–for each other and more importantly, for ourselves.

I had to get over my faith.  I had to accept that sometimes, intentions aren’t enough.  I had to lose to my expectations and see through losing some hope.  It wasn’t easy. I can be very stubborn with the things that I believe in, trying to maintain my idea of who I am.  But perhaps I am not supposed to be that person this time.  I am not supposed to be the one who stays and loves someone through hard times.  Maybe not this time.  Not today.

2. Atlantis, Bridgit Mendler feat. Kaiydo, Nemesis (2017)

I know how to feel
I know that love exists
It’s asleep with the fishes
Down in Atlantis
Oh, My Lord, where’s my soul?
How did we end up like this?

It took me a long time to accept that love, romantic love, is not what I need right now.  I guess when I was younger I always thought that it was just easy to be with someone.  What could be so difficult in giving and accepting love?  I love love.  I still do.  But it can be very difficult to love right, to feel right, to treat yourself right, and to treat another human being right.  Relationships are not easy.  Nothing about it is easy at all.  And I dived head-first.  I had so much hope but with not enough offenses and defenses.  It took me a long time to accept that I was not ready.  I didn’t know.  And like what I said I can be very stubborn.

I had to accept that I was wrong about what I thought I am and what I thought I can do.  I had to accept that I was not good at it no matter how much I believe that I CAN be good at it– relationships.  I had to accept I was wrong, and it took me everything to mourn that fact before I finally made peace with it.  I had to forgive myself.  It was just recently when I learned to have more courage to tolerate the parts of me that still think of the past.  I learned to accept that it is going to be part of all of this, and that’s okay.  The past is part of my present, and that is okay.  It shall be.

3. No Goodbyes, Dua Lipa, Dua Lipa (2017)

Yes I hurt you, and you hurt me
We did some things that we can never take back
And we tried hard just to fix it
but we’re broken more and so I guess
some things are not meant to last.

I have to admit that I have not totally let go of all of the anger.  I sometimes think I hate you.  But I am also reminded that I don’t know you anymore.  Maybe the things that still upset me are all rooted on how I think or process or response to things.  It is hard to accept that I don’t have any control over you and your actions.  I should not want to fix you.  You are who you are, and if don’t sit well with me, then I don’t have to like it, I don’t have to want to change it.

For a long time, I was hurt that you are not who I thought you were.  I was mad that maybe I was wrong for loving you, for tolerating the parts of you that I don’t like just because I thought I love you.  This is very hard to process and to say, but I have to admit that there were so many things about you that I shouldn’t have liked, that I shouldn’t have said, “That’s okay, I can accept that now. Later, eventually, it will change.”  I was unfair to you for not having the courage to tell you the things I don’t like about you.  And I learned that I grieved for so long because I was unfair to myself.  I didn’t know how to assert my needs, my wants.  I was too afraid we were not going to last, that I had to lie to myself everything was okay, everything was going to be okay.  Until it didn’t.  I loved you in a wrong way.  It haunts me now that, if it was wrong, then was it really love?

4. Worst In Me, Julia Michaels, Nervous System (2017)

Maybe it’s the worst in me
that’s bringing out the worst in you
I know we could fix these kinks
but the worst in me doesn’t want to
work on things, but the best in me wants to love you
but the worst in me doesn’t want to.

It took me a long time to accept that these things happen.  And that these things happened to me.  I always thought I didn’t deserve to be hurt like this.  With all the love I can offer, I didn’t deserve to be left like this.  But with all the love I can offer, maybe I deserve to go through all of it.  I had to learn to manage that so-called love of mine.  I had to learn it, get to know about it, destroy it, hate it, accept it, to be able to hand it properly to someone next time.  I had to learn.  And I sometimes wonder if I would be able to write all of this if it weren’t for the things that I went through.  I wonder if there was any other way to be better than being left by a special person and by crying your heart out for six months.  I have always told myself, maybe there was another way, but maybe this is the way for me.  It is so hard not to regret.  I am working on it.

5. Meant To Be, Bebe Rexha feat. Florida Georgia Line, All Your Fault Pt. 2 (2017)

Maybe we do, maybe we don’t.
Maybe we will, maybe we won’t.
If it’s meant to be
It will be, it will be
Baby, just let it be.

I was never a fan of “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”  I am always the one who tries to go after the things that I want.  But my way is only one of the many ways that we can go after what or who we want.  I can be reckless and impulsive, I know that.  I had to learn to be okay with the opposite of that. Right now, I am focusing on the things that are effortlessly in front of me, like my practicum and my other responsibilities in life.  I am trying to be a good teacher-student, a good daughter, a good friend, a good co-worker, and a good person to myself.  When I am not too idealistic, I know that I can’t be in a relationship right now.  But slowly, I am able to look forward to it again.

A friend told me that a greater love is the only thing that will fully heal me.  I am working that it will be the kind of love that is not perfect but enough, a love that is brave, honest, and unconditional.  It will be.

Five Songs

How It’s Like To (not) Feel Apologetic For Being “Too Much”

It’s nothing to be apologetic about, that you actually give a damn every single time. I‘m sorry if you happened to love and trust someone who didn’t want to go the extra mile to understand you enough to know how to handle you, and so just dismissed you as being “too much.” Listen up, babe. 

1. Love, Lana del Rey, Single (2017)

It doesn’t matter if

I’m not enough for the future

or the things to come ’cause 

I’m young and in love. 

I know it gets you second guessing the quality of your love. Doubts come skyrocketing your mind about the way you show your affection. Are you being too clingy? Too overly sensitive? Too dramatic? As much as you keep yourself from caring too much about the little things, you just can’t, and that’s okay. You have your reasons, and the person who claims to love you should be able to listen without judging you. Your fears shouldn’t be taken against you, your worries are supposed to be shared with you. You are not being illogical and emotional. You are allowed to feel what you feel and be who you are. Beside the person you love, the whole of you is supposed to feel safe. 

2. My Type, Chainsmokers feat. Emily Warren, Memories.. Do Not Open (2017) 

I know you’re not 

the one, but you’re all 

I want. People say I’ll get hurt,

I don’t know what they’re

so afraid of. I hate to say it, but

you’re just my type. 

You fall in love with someone and you know what it takes to take good care of every single bit of them. The good and the bad. No matter how complicated they are you never think of giving up on them so easily. Blame your blind optimism and your hopeless romance, but you believe that that is how love is supposed to be. That you commit. That when it comes down to making a choice, you include the people you love. That when you are afraid, you tell them so. They allow you inside as much as you give them access in the deepest, darkest parts of you. You believe in them no matter how believing becomes harder as you get farther. You don’t even think who’s loving who or who’s giving who more. You never ask for too much, and maybe, that in itself is too much for others to understand. It will feel unfair, but it is not your fault. 

3. Don’t Let Me Be Yours, Zara Larrson, So Good (2017)

Would you still love me with all 

the promises you made?

Would you still mean 

the words you say? Would you?

You know everybody makes

mistakes. Don’t let me be yours. 

It is not your fault if the person you love couldn’t keep his promises. It is not your fault if he failed to be faithful the way he said he would. If he said he couldn’t keep you because you are just “too much”, if he said that you’d be better off without him, if he’s giving up without a fight, it. is. not. your. fault. It will be hard and you will take it out on you. You will blame yourself and beat your heart up until there’s no emotions left in you. But you can’t take all the blame. You believed in someone as much as you believed in love. If you could love the person that isn’t for you, just think of how much you could love the one that is for you. You don’t have to belittle what you had with someone before, but it is not your fault if it didn’t come through. 

4. Dive, Ed Sheeran, Divide ➗ (2017)

Don’t call me baby unless

you mean it. Don’t tell me 

you need me if you 

don’t believe it. Let me know

the truth before I dive 

right into you. 

You are nothing “too much” to be handled. You are a human being who went through disappointments and failures that made you the person you are today. Whoever says that he loves you must do because he sees the most beautiful things about you. He should love you through the good and the bad and not only when it is convenient for him. He should know that nothing is going to be easy, that you are not going to be easy, but your love for him is going to be one constant thing in this fleeting world. Whoever says he loves you must let you love him the way you do. Through a healthy communication, nothing will be “too much” or “to less” as the two of you are committed to always meet half way. 

5. Now or Never, Halsey, hopeless fountain kingdom (2017)

Never pick up, never call me,

You know we’re running out

of time. Now I got to draw 

a line. Baby, you got to 

love me now 

or never. 

The truth is always going to be hard to accept, but the one who really loves you will never leave you. The one who truly cares will always stay. Or at least, will not leave you hanging. He will respect what you have enough to not keep you waiting, wondering what on earth did you do wrong to be treated that way. You are not too much for the right person. You are a person with a soft and a brave heart, which he is going to appreciate the most. You are going to be his person and he will be yours. You don’t have to second guess, you will never have to feel apologetic. He will love you for who you are and for who you will become. And however it takes for you to get there, he will stick with you, because that is what true love does. 

Photography by vonmedeza

Five Songs

How It Would’ve Been Like If I Asked You to Stay 

1. Love Drought, Beyonce, Lemonade (2016)

You are my life line, but

you’re trying to kill me.

If it wasn’t me, would

you still feel me, like

on my worst day? Or am I 

not thirsty enough? 

Part of me knew it was coming. When I couldn’t tell you what’s on my mind, when I started feeling afraid of how you would react, when you, all of a sudden, stopped caring the way you used to, when you, without clarity, cut me off from your life. You lost faith in me, in us, and maybe, in yourself. I hung on throughout your absence, trying my hardest to understand your silence. I never stopped believing in how you showed me love and in your capacity to be kind. You didn’t need me, and I was there for you. You didn’t need me, and I held on because why would you take me in the first place if you wouldn’t want me in the end. I said I was believing in love. I know I believed too much. 

2. Don’t leave, Snakehips feat. MO, Single (2016)

You look at me,

I stare at you. I see

the doubt, but I see

the love I have and 

it’s all for you.

I once asked you to stay, and this, it wouldn’t have been the first. In both intances you were choosing yourself, and I know you hated the fact that I couldn’t do the same. I told you that in choosing us, I am choosing myself. Because I know you could make me happy. I thought you could be the one because you made me feel that you could be the one. You told me you wanted to be. I could not process you giving me up, I could not understand you being able to go through a day knowing that I was waiting for you, I could not accept how you could just fall out of love like that. But I hung on. You just needed time to be alone, to think things through, to get away.  I believed that you would come back.

3. Stay, Zedd feat. Alessia Cara, Single (2017)

I could give

a thousand reasons why,

but you’re going, and

you know that

all you have to do is 

stay a minute. Just

take your time.

I was thinking you could come around if you just wanted to. If you had faith in me and in yourself, there was nothing we couldn’t do. You could choose me because you can. For someone who’ve experienced so much rejection, so much lost before, and for someone who says he is in love, I wondered why you couldn’t just come around and stay. You did before, and we were great, why couldn’t we try again? Why couldn’t you stay? In the first place, why do you keep on leaving? 

4. Selfish, Future feat. Rihanna, HNDRXX (2017)

Let’s not be alone.

Let’s be one.

Empty thoughts fill the room.

Breathe for me and

I’ll breathe for you.  

I was never good at asserting the things that I want. I’ve never been given exactly what I wanted, and I learned to be okay with that, to appreciate what was handed to me, to work on it and make the best out of it. I know you hated mediocrity. I know you hated underperformance. You dislike stagnant places, and you, staying with me, were becoming one. You think neither of us was growing anymore. I wasn’t the kind of strong you needed to keep going. I knew the differences were the ones apparent to you.  While I am all hopes and faith about us. It would be so much hard work if you stayed. It would’ve been killing ourselves silently, and I know you couldn’t die for me. 

5. Communicate, The Dunwells, Light Up the Sky (2015)

We took these all for granted.

Should we leave this where

we walked? Please


I would’ve fought. I would’ve asked you to stay. But we both know why I didn’t, and I’ll give it to myself that I shouldn’t. I couldn’t always pull you back whenever you leave me behind. Or maybe I was way ahead of you, and I couldn’t force you to be in the same direction as I am. We want the same things, but dream of different ways in getting them. Staying and having the things that we want wouldn’t be as satisfying as we expect it to be. I thought that you didn’t love me enough to fight for me and stay. But in your own way, you loved me just right to leave and to not let me accept the love I didn’t deserve.

Five Songs

How It’s Like To Fall In Love With the Idea of Loving Someone

It certainly is hopeful and sad at the same time. As you couldn’t help but feel that being in love with someone is twice as fun and beautiful as being alone and in love with yourself, it becomes so easy to see possibilities in people who warm your heart at simple instances. It becomes so easy to attach meaning to unrecognised gestures, to daydream about things beyond reality, and to believe that love, with the right amount of bliss and hard work, can conquer all. 

1. Boom Clap, Charli XCX, Sucker (2014)

“The sound of my heart,

the beat goes on and on and on.

You make me feel good,

Come on to me now”.

Maybe it begins as a simple crush on a new acquaintance or as a sudden realisation of how a friendship can turn into something more. Either way, you start to feel it in your chest, the so-called butterflies. As you replay every interaction, hang on to every word, and look forward to the next time you’ll see the person, it gets you so excited you can feel it in your bones. 

2. Heartlines, Broods, Conscious (2016) 

“I’ll pick you up at midnight, 

we’ll run to beat the sunlight.

We only get the one life, and

I want to feel your heartlines”. 

What gets you hoping is the chance that every new connection holds. A chance to create happiness with another person. A chance to care for someone else’s welfare as much as they care for yours. An opportunity to grow as an individual with someone safeguarding your heart. Someone, who with a life of his own, can also choose to choose you, over and over again, no matter what life throws at the both of you. You would want to keep fighting for one another as neither of you want the other to feel the pain you have experienced before. It is loving the way you want to be loved, hoping that both of you gets it right. 

3. All That, Carly Rae Jepsen, E•MO•TION (2015)

“I’ll be the magic you will ever see.

You can always rely on me 

to help you do what you want to do. 

I wanna be the best  you’ve ever known,

just let me in your arms”.

The truth is you just want to mean something, if not a lot, to someone. You know that in loving another you get more satisfaction in yourself. You know that with all the love that you had offered before and with all the love that you can still willingly offer after all, you long for a person who can finally give what you deserve. Someone who can commit as much as you do. Someone who will never stop trying. And it wouldn’t feel like a hopeless cause anymore as giving and taking go smoothly between the both of you. This is the truth about you, that somewhere inside you is some loneliness. And in hoping for this connection, you are embracing this truth. You are embracing who you are and what you need and what you hope to do. Love.  

4. WILD, Troye Sivan, Blue Neighbourhood (2015)

“You make my heart shake, 

bend and break, but

I can’t turn away, 

it’s driving me wild.

You’re driving me wild”. 

But as every idea always looks better in the head than in reality, holding on to your hope could either be rewarding or destructive in the end. With the uncertainty that comes with hope and with the truth that love is never always how you expect it to be, it is now up to you to take a risk or to stop while you are ahead. It can get so terrifying at this moment. If you fight for what you believe could be, you can get yourself bruised.. again. While if you choose to close yourself, the thought of having regrets can haunt you forever. You know that you’re not the type who turns away from the possibility of love without putting up an effort to see it through. You are never the type who can walk away so easily. And although that has been the cause of some minor scars in you, you have to know that there is courage in how you are. Your heart could be fragile and shallow at times, but the way it loves is deeper than any turbulent sea. You have to know you deserve the love that is in your head. And it can happen to you. Because you can make it happen for someone. 

5. Plans, Oh Wonder, Oh Wonder (2015)

“I’ve got plans to get to you,

you know. Don’t you know?

Gonna build a paper plane

to float to you. We’ll be 

scraping the skies with our fingertips, screaming,

‘This is the life, we were born for this”. 

I hope you never stop believing in love. No matter how many times you meet someone who you saw you could love but didn’t quite notice you back. You are worthy. Always worthy. I hope you hold on to who you are. No matter how many times you feel like you’re failing yourself, that you’re just wounding your heart. Please don’t let your romance die. Please keep on believing that there is nothing more beautiful than loving and being in love with another human. You’ll be walking this earth one day knowing that you never gave up on love. One day it’s not going to revert back to just an idea. You will meet someone as worthy as you, and the two of you will breathe life into everything you have ever dreamed of. Wait for it. It’s possible. 
Photography by vonmedeza.

Five Songs · Heartbreak

Five Songs: How I See A Heartbreak, 2 Months Later 

Plug in your earphones. Turn up your Spotify. And listen to the songs as you read through.

1. Walk Away, LANY, Make Out-EP (2015)

“You and I would be just fine

If I was the one to stay

the day and waste away, but

I tend to run.

I’m too good at leaving love,

I don’t wanna be”.

I don’t know about you anymore. It feels like we haven’t talked in forever when it’s just a little more than two months since we (you) called things off. I’ve gone through an endless cycle of pain, resentment, numbness, insecurity, confusion, and acceptance. Through it all, there was always a weak voice that saves you, that saves me from hating you. It says, maybe you really didn’t want to be selfish. Maybe it’s not that you didn’t love me enough to just walk away like that, you just couldn’t be the person you want to be if you stayed with me. Maybe.

2.  Birthmark, Thomston, Topograph (2016)

“When your name doesn’t hurt to say and

I think about you less each passing day,

when I can’t feel your weight,

will I miss the way it feels to miss you?”

I knew the day would come that I am just so exhausted that my mind would shut itself off whenever it remembers to remember you. I watched it all happen, and I fought the burning pain in my chest through all of the days. I didn’t want to let go. Time, and everything that were happening and were not happening finally lead me to this. I should be thankful, and somehow, I am.

3.  Mother Earth, Banks, The Altar (2016)

“Follow me to my bed

‘cause every time you fall

I’ll be holding your head up, and

when will you get tired of feeling bad?

Every time you fall, follow me”.

If there is anything I’ll treasure the most from this; it made me love and trust myself than I ever did in my life. They (even you) said that we cannot learn without pain. I don’t know. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you really had to leave for me to see my worth, for me to realize what I truly deserve. I can’t and I don’t want to think about it anymore trying to justify your actions. All I know is I have myself; I’ve always had myself. When I loved you, I was being true to myself. I trusted myself. I was with myself, and just if you ever thought of it… No, I didn’t lose myself in choosing to love you. I chose to turn into someone who can love you enough. But I know now that I cannot love anyone into loving me.

4.  Green Light, Lorde, Melodrama (2017)

“I hear sounds in my mind

brand new sounds in my mind

Honey, I’ll be seeing you wherever I go

Honey, I’ll be seeing you down every road

I’m waiting for it,

that green light I want it”.

And, I’m ready for it. I’m taking over. I can’t keep choosing the grief and all that comes with it. 

5.  Anything Could Happen, Ellie Goulding, Halcyon Days (2013)

“I’ll give you everything you need but

I don’t think I need you.

I know it’s gonna be all right”.

I loved you. I am hoping that I find a way to deal with this truth for all of my life. It is part of who I am now and who I will become. Maybe there are things that still need patching up, that need further recovery. Time is always doing its work for everyone. I am working hard to make sure that I love the person that’s emerging from this storm. I will love her. 

Photo taken by @vonmedeza.