It was just four years ago when I realized my strong propensity to live inside my head. I am turning 21 in three months. I still catch myself whenever my brain starts to wander to places I saw on TV, with people I met from watching movies; seeing myself prettier, happier, more loved.
I was happy because it is what I thought I am. They say that to attract happiness it all starts in the head, but to me, it got way too much. I was resilient to adversities but it also taught me how to be good at pretending. It was not my intention to lie but I also did not have enough space to be real. I grew up not able to share my life with my parents no matter how we see each other every day. I have developed great friendships over the years in addition to the many people who know and are fond of me, but in the end, I sleep with only my head.
It was not much of a problem until I learned that my loneliness stems from the disparity between my ideals and my reality. I was not delusional I just chose not to address the issues head-on. I knew the things that needed changing but I resorted to waiting. I was stubborn as much as I was a coward; I felt like I could not do anything. There came a point when I wish I was living a different life, instead of actually solving my problems.
When I found a boy who I thought could give me the care and the attention that I needed, I was obsessed. From the moment it started I could not come down from some kind of high. I built it all in my head; having a relationship. I did not see the person for who he really is, I was just hoping that he would be who I hope to find, who I need. I did not even know what I truly need. It was wrong. And as what I said in my previous entries, it took me a long time to accept that it was. I was wrong and I need a lot of changing.
I am not sure up to what extent that experience changed me, but I know that I am better now with all this understanding. Certainly, I am more careful with love now, and sometimes it scares me that I may be being too careful that soon, eventually, I will become cold and shut-off myself. It scares me that I am not that wide-eyed girl anymore, one who is in love with love. I sometimes ask, is it too wrong to be that way? Up to what extent do I have to change myself to be in a successful relationship? This is my head talking again.
It has been three months since my practice teaching started. It has compelled me to think about something important in my reality. The last quarter of the year really taught me to focus on my physical, mental, and emotional health. The tragedy I went through this year gave me the lens to see things as they truly are and the courage to accept them. I learned that acceptance is the first step to navigating life. From there, and with kindness towards myself, I am able to better ground my head now. I am able to hope for a better love and a better me while doing small, concrete steps every day. I pray to always keep the faith burning.