Epiphanies

Waking up from living inside my head

It was just four years ago when I realized my strong propensity to live inside my head.  I am turning 21 in three months.  I still catch myself whenever my brain starts to wander to places I saw on TV, with people I met from watching movies; seeing myself prettier, happier, more loved. 

I was happy because it is what I thought I am.  They say that to attract happiness it all starts in the head, but to me, it got way too much.  I was resilient to adversities but it also taught me how to be good at pretending.  It was not my intention to lie but I also did not have enough space to be real.  I grew up not able to share my life with my parents no matter how we see each other every day.  I have developed great friendships over the years in addition to the many people who know and are fond of me, but in the end, I sleep with only my head.

It was not much of a problem until I learned that my loneliness stems from the disparity between my ideals and my reality.  I was not delusional I just chose not to address the issues head-on.  I knew the things that needed changing but I resorted to waiting.  I was stubborn as much as I was a coward; I felt like I could not do anything.  There came a point when I wish I was living a different life, instead of actually solving my problems.  

When I found a boy who I thought could give me the care and the attention that I needed, I was obsessed.  From the moment it started I could not come down from some kind of high.  I built it all in my head; having a relationship.  I did not see the person for who he really is, I was just hoping that he would be who I hope to find, who I need. I did not even know what I truly need.  It was wrong.  And as what I said in my previous entries, it took me a long time to accept that it was.  I was wrong and I need a lot of changing. 

I am not sure up to what extent that experience changed me, but I know that I am better now with all this understanding.  Certainly, I am more careful with love now, and sometimes it scares me that I may be being too careful that soon, eventually, I will become cold and shut-off myself.  It scares me that I am not that wide-eyed girl anymore, one who is in love with love.  I sometimes ask, is it too wrong to be that way?  Up to what extent do I have to change myself to be in a successful relationship?  This is my head talking again. 

It has been three months since my practice teaching started.  It has compelled me to think about something important in my reality.  The last quarter of the year really taught me to focus on my physical, mental, and emotional health.  The tragedy I went through this year gave me the lens to see things as they truly are and the courage to accept them.  I learned that acceptance is the first step to navigating life.  From there, and with kindness towards myself, I am able to better ground my head now.  I am able to hope for a better love and a better me while doing small, concrete steps every day.  I pray to always keep the faith burning.    

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Epiphanies

to you.

To sit and dream, to sit and read,

To sit and learn about the world

Outside our world of here and now- our problem world–

To dream of vast horizons of the soul

Through dreams of made whole,

Unfettered free– help me!

All you who are dreamers, too,

Help me make our world anew.

I reach out my dreams to you.

To You, Langston Hughes

Today is going to be a start of something new for me. I’ll be staying in a new house, a boarding house, for the last semester of my college life. And although technically it’s just two hours away from my home and I will be there for just four to five days a week, it is still a mark of something new.

Any time this week my practicum will officially start. I am finally putting into practice everything that I learned for the past four years. I am finally going to be a practicing teacher, and I am excited for everything that’s in store for me. But before I drown in the nitty and gritty of a new lifestyle and lose sight of when’s my next entries going to be, I have some things to say.

To you, my readers. I don’t know who you are (or maybe I do), but I’d like you to know that I see you. Literally through my stats, and sometimes when someone has visited or stumbled upon my posts, I do feel bad when there is nothing new to see here. As you might have known by now, everything in this blog is almost always personal to me. I wrote about a lost love, moving forward, an occasional “I think I finally moved pass the heartbreak now and I’m happy” post, but no matter how hard I try there’s so much more than what my words could ever express in my works. It’s frustrating because I’ve written so many and yet there are just emotions, ideas, and experiences that couldn’t be confined in any language.

I’d like to let you know how I am doing now, but the truth is, I wish I really knew. Have you ever felt wanting so badly to maintain honesty with yourself that you’re scared to carelessly pick words to communicate what you’re going through? I try and try to talk about how I feel and there are times that it still isn’t enough. I don’t know if nobody could understand me or I am just not communicating myself properly.

I grew tired. I didn’t write for the most part of July because I’m trying to distance myself from myself. I am familiar with my mind too much that to be able to change some things such as my detrimental thought patterns, I had to stop dwelling with “overthinking” and “overfeeling”. 

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And it helped. For two weeks straight I didn’t cry at night. It can all get too much for me sometimes, but that is part of who I am. I can go on here talking about everything I’ve learned through half a year of living while grieving, but I’d save that for the future, because there are still so many to learn these days. 

What I really like to share with you now is the realization that it can be so hard to “just be yourself” as what we always encourage each other to do. What makes it complicated for me is that, a lot of who I am needs others for it to fully realized itself. I am the one who thrives in people and with people. I love making them happy, getting out the best in them, and ensuring that they’re taken care of. That has always been me. And in return I grew to need only their validation. If I somehow managed to help someone, and if they happen to see and appreciate my kindness and compassion, then I become more alive than ever.

When that heartbreak happened, it was too difficult to believe in who I think I was, and I found out that I could be the most unkind and inconsiderate person to myself. All I ever wanted is aunthenticity in my relationships. The only mistake is that I didn’t know how to act on that honesty when it comes to myself. I was afraid to give myself credit, to believe that I can and I deserve to put myself first.

Sometimes I am scared that nobody will ever get and accept me, just because my past love didn’t. But I am carrying on, and I am finding the courage to express who I am, maybe that’s why I am also sharing this to you. I think we all deserve to be known and to be loved, really loved, for who we truly are. How does that happen, I don’t really know, and it can be very terrifying opening yourself up to new people again. But, courage. Now I am finding the courage to know and to love myself for who I really am. To you, I pray that you would, too. As ever, thank you. 


Photo by vonmedeza.  

Epiphanies

Saved drafts while I am preparing myself for what’s next to say/I hope all of you knows yourself better each day

Maybe I was mad, not sad. People tend to resort to anger and defensiveness when they are in pain. To no longer have someone you loved and trusted in your life is painful. Learning patterns and then needing yourself to forget them is painful.  Losing a friend and a piece of future that could have worked is pain. Realizing that you’ve lost yourself and worse, that you didn’t know who you are at all is heartbreaking.  So maybe I was really mad, not sad.   I held on to anger for it was difficult to believe that there was ever love in the first place.  I held on to it because I didn’t want to forget you, to forget that we ever happened at all. And anger is poison.  It eats you out.  It blocks your senses and your ability to be soft.  I chose pain because the world didn’t like softness.  I had to be angry because you said I was too soft for you. It makes me more mad, and I can’t do this to myself anymore.  I have to stop choosing pain even if that means finally letting you go.  Finally letting everything go.  I can’t be angry anymore even if that’s the easiest way to keep you.  I should be able to believe that I want you to be happy.  I must believe in that happiness again.  You deserve it, because I once wanted to give everything just for you to have it. I wish I could believe again. 

May 14, 2017
Sunday
Calatagan, Batangas

Epiphanies

On cooling off from yourself and being back again

How have you been? I feel bad for being gone for so long. Everyday and night I’ve been thinking of missing my blog and a free time for writing. But, to be honest, I have the following reasons for not being here for a while:

1. May is the final month in school. Mine ended last May 23, and I have received almost all of my grades for the last semester before my practicum. There have been unexpected things that occurred with regards to my academics this sem, but I have gone through a lot that I really don’t feel the need to be sad about these things. This is related to the second reason. Read on. 

2. I took a break from writing because I was anxious. These posts can testify: 

A lot of it was related to the broken heart I am healing. A lot of it still is. For a while, wanting to forget about the boy I loved and to truly, totally, finally move on got me thinking that I should stop blogging. That I should stop writing.  If I wanted to forget about him, about the pain, and everything that comes with it, I should stop talking about it in the things I write.  But, that is just dumb.  

I am thankful that I’ve been finding ways around my overthinking these days, in ways that empowers me and my happiness. As what is reflected in the poem I wrote before this entry, I realized that I have a new time, the strength to end things, and a chance to another start. We can start anew anytime we like, especially when we feel we are ready and strong enough. 

Finishing an overloaded semester whilst crying and breaking down 3x a day wasn’t easy. And perhaps, the fact that I was able to make it through means something. It means that I have been strong, and that to make it here, able to talk about it, write about it, and share it with you is also being strong. I do not mean to find ways to prove that I am strong, because I believe that we are all strong and do not have to prove it to anyone. I guess all that I am saying is that, all the pain and grief you have experienced will really find its ending eventually. And when that time comes, a stronger you comes out.  But more than being strong, you become more of a believer of yourself, of your heart, of your capacity to feel waves of emotions and to be able to appreciate them. Healing a broken heart can really change you in so many ways. I am still finding out mine but so far, I am in a good place and I am looking forward to be writing for myself and for you. Without any reservations whether I am talking about past loves or new hopes. Thank you for sticking until this part, and I am happy I am back.