To sit and dream, to sit and read,
To sit and learn about the world
Outside our world of here and now- our problem world–
To dream of vast horizons of the soul
Through dreams of made whole,
Unfettered free– help me!
All you who are dreamers, too,
Help me make our world anew.
I reach out my dreams to you.
To You, Langston Hughes
Today is going to be a start of something new for me. I’ll be staying in a new house, a boarding house, for the last semester of my college life. And although technically it’s just two hours away from my home and I will be there for just four to five days a week, it is still a mark of something new.
Any time this week my practicum will officially start. I am finally putting into practice everything that I learned for the past four years. I am finally going to be a practicing teacher, and I am excited for everything that’s in store for me. But before I drown in the nitty and gritty of a new lifestyle and lose sight of when’s my next entries going to be, I have some things to say.
To you, my readers. I don’t know who you are (or maybe I do), but I’d like you to know that I see you. Literally through my stats, and sometimes when someone has visited or stumbled upon my posts, I do feel bad when there is nothing new to see here. As you might have known by now, everything in this blog is almost always personal to me. I wrote about a lost love, moving forward, an occasional “I think I finally moved pass the heartbreak now and I’m happy” post, but no matter how hard I try there’s so much more than what my words could ever express in my works. It’s frustrating because I’ve written so many and yet there are just emotions, ideas, and experiences that couldn’t be confined in any language.
I’d like to let you know how I am doing now, but the truth is, I wish I really knew. Have you ever felt wanting so badly to maintain honesty with yourself that you’re scared to carelessly pick words to communicate what you’re going through? I try and try to talk about how I feel and there are times that it still isn’t enough. I don’t know if nobody could understand me or I am just not communicating myself properly.
I grew tired. I didn’t write for the most part of July because I’m trying to distance myself from myself. I am familiar with my mind too much that to be able to change some things such as my detrimental thought patterns, I had to stop dwelling with “overthinking” and “overfeeling”.
And it helped. For two weeks straight I didn’t cry at night. It can all get too much for me sometimes, but that is part of who I am. I can go on here talking about everything I’ve learned through half a year of living while grieving, but I’d save that for the future, because there are still so many to learn these days.
What I really like to share with you now is the realization that it can be so hard to “just be yourself” as what we always encourage each other to do. What makes it complicated for me is that, a lot of who I am needs others for it to fully realized itself. I am the one who thrives in people and with people. I love making them happy, getting out the best in them, and ensuring that they’re taken care of. That has always been me. And in return I grew to need only their validation. If I somehow managed to help someone, and if they happen to see and appreciate my kindness and compassion, then I become more alive than ever.
When that heartbreak happened, it was too difficult to believe in who I think I was, and I found out that I could be the most unkind and inconsiderate person to myself. All I ever wanted is aunthenticity in my relationships. The only mistake is that I didn’t know how to act on that honesty when it comes to myself. I was afraid to give myself credit, to believe that I can and I deserve to put myself first.
Sometimes I am scared that nobody will ever get and accept me, just because my past love didn’t. But I am carrying on, and I am finding the courage to express who I am, maybe that’s why I am also sharing this to you. I think we all deserve to be known and to be loved, really loved, for who we truly are. How does that happen, I don’t really know, and it can be very terrifying opening yourself up to new people again. But, courage. Now I am finding the courage to know and to love myself for who I really am. To you, I pray that you would, too. As ever, thank you.
Photo by vonmedeza.