I have done enough teacher stuff for the day and no entry for Five Songs in a while. Whenever I do this, I make sure that I listen to each song I feature. This is how I am going to rest tonight; by carefully asking myself how I am doing it. Letting go, that is.
1. Need You, Allie X feat. Valley Girl, Collxtion II (2017)
Sitting here with
a fist full of ashes
and a heart that I can’t
even use, just keep telling myself
over and over, “I don’t need you.”
It took me a long time to get over myself. It was just recently when I discovered that it is me who I have to get over with. It is me who couldn’t let go of the idea of you, of us, of the could be’s, and the what if’s. I had so much faith in love. It took me a while to accept that it was all just in my head. My idealism made it hard for me to see some truths. Yes, maybe we were really in love and we were happy, but we were not enough–for each other and more importantly, for ourselves.
I had to get over my faith. I had to accept that sometimes, intentions aren’t enough. I had to lose to my expectations and see through losing some hope. It wasn’t easy. I can be very stubborn with the things that I believe in, trying to maintain my idea of who I am. But perhaps I am not supposed to be that person this time. I am not supposed to be the one who stays and loves someone through hard times. Maybe not this time. Not today.
2. Atlantis, Bridgit Mendler feat. Kaiydo, Nemesis (2017)
I know how to feel
I know that love exists
It’s asleep with the fishes
Down in Atlantis
Oh, My Lord, where’s my soul?
How did we end up like this?
It took me a long time to accept that love, romantic love, is not what I need right now. I guess when I was younger I always thought that it was just easy to be with someone. What could be so difficult in giving and accepting love? I love love. I still do. But it can be very difficult to love right, to feel right, to treat yourself right, and to treat another human being right. Relationships are not easy. Nothing about it is easy at all. And I dived head-first. I had so much hope but with not enough offenses and defenses. It took me a long time to accept that I was not ready. I didn’t know. And like what I said I can be very stubborn.
I had to accept that I was wrong about what I thought I am and what I thought I can do. I had to accept that I was not good at it no matter how much I believe that I CAN be good at it– relationships. I had to accept I was wrong, and it took me everything to mourn that fact before I finally made peace with it. I had to forgive myself. It was just recently when I learned to have more courage to tolerate the parts of me that still think of the past. I learned to accept that it is going to be part of all of this, and that’s okay. The past is part of my present, and that is okay. It shall be.
3. No Goodbyes, Dua Lipa, Dua Lipa (2017)
Yes I hurt you, and you hurt me
We did some things that we can never take back
And we tried hard just to fix it
but we’re broken more and so I guess
some things are not meant to last.
I have to admit that I have not totally let go of all of the anger. I sometimes think I hate you. But I am also reminded that I don’t know you anymore. Maybe the things that still upset me are all rooted on how I think or process or response to things. It is hard to accept that I don’t have any control over you and your actions. I should not want to fix you. You are who you are, and if don’t sit well with me, then I don’t have to like it, I don’t have to want to change it.
For a long time, I was hurt that you are not who I thought you were. I was mad that maybe I was wrong for loving you, for tolerating the parts of you that I don’t like just because I thought I love you. This is very hard to process and to say, but I have to admit that there were so many things about you that I shouldn’t have liked, that I shouldn’t have said, “That’s okay, I can accept that now. Later, eventually, it will change.” I was unfair to you for not having the courage to tell you the things I don’t like about you. And I learned that I grieved for so long because I was unfair to myself. I didn’t know how to assert my needs, my wants. I was too afraid we were not going to last, that I had to lie to myself everything was okay, everything was going to be okay. Until it didn’t. I loved you in a wrong way. It haunts me now that, if it was wrong, then was it really love?
4. Worst In Me, Julia Michaels, Nervous System (2017)
Maybe it’s the worst in me
that’s bringing out the worst in you
I know we could fix these kinks
but the worst in me doesn’t want to
work on things, but the best in me wants to love you
but the worst in me doesn’t want to.
It took me a long time to accept that these things happen. And that these things happened to me. I always thought I didn’t deserve to be hurt like this. With all the love I can offer, I didn’t deserve to be left like this. But with all the love I can offer, maybe I deserve to go through all of it. I had to learn to manage that so-called love of mine. I had to learn it, get to know about it, destroy it, hate it, accept it, to be able to hand it properly to someone next time. I had to learn. And I sometimes wonder if I would be able to write all of this if it weren’t for the things that I went through. I wonder if there was any other way to be better than being left by a special person and by crying your heart out for six months. I have always told myself, maybe there was another way, but maybe this is the way for me. It is so hard not to regret. I am working on it.
5. Meant To Be, Bebe Rexha feat. Florida Georgia Line, All Your Fault Pt. 2 (2017)
Maybe we do, maybe we don’t.
Maybe we will, maybe we won’t.
If it’s meant to be
It will be, it will be
Baby, just let it be.
I was never a fan of “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” I am always the one who tries to go after the things that I want. But my way is only one of the many ways that we can go after what or who we want. I can be reckless and impulsive, I know that. I had to learn to be okay with the opposite of that. Right now, I am focusing on the things that are effortlessly in front of me, like my practicum and my other responsibilities in life. I am trying to be a good teacher-student, a good daughter, a good friend, a good co-worker, and a good person to myself. When I am not too idealistic, I know that I can’t be in a relationship right now. But slowly, I am able to look forward to it again.
A friend told me that a greater love is the only thing that will fully heal me. I am working that it will be the kind of love that is not perfect but enough, a love that is brave, honest, and unconditional. It will be.