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On my side of the truth, love

Every day I cannot help but think that we become more and more irrelevant. Outdated. Just a story in the past. I know this, and I’ve accepted this. 

I have always wanted to talk to you. I have so many words. Sometimes they are related to how we ended, sometimes I wish I could tell you about ordinary things from my day just like nothing has ever happened, just like when we were friends.

There are times when I do not want to remember anymore, I just want to start anew. But every time I would try and believe again, and think of possible ways to reach out, I cannot help but think I had become irrelevant to you since God-knows-when. You’ve long stopped believing in me and grew tired of what I might possibly say.

Say that all of these are nothing but pathetic assumptions, correct me in your head if you need to, but everybody knows that you have been so good. Very good. In moving on. In showing the world that I am nothing to you. Acting like we had never existed before. I could only react to the actions that you show, and the fact that you never tried to reach out to me can only mean two things: that you are as hella afraid as I am or that I am just not worth it anymore. 

I asked you once, Why are you not the type who initiates first? You told me not to force it, and to just let it happen on its own pace. I know you’re thinking that there’s a right time for everything. I… don’t know. 

I didn’t want to get back together, I don’t. I just wanted to clear the air. I just wanted to speak to you honestly. I want to hear about all the resentment that you keep. I also want you to understand me. I know I said hurtful words to you. I know there were times I overreacted. I’ve judged you in ways more than one. And I wish you could have understood better. I felt that you didn’t acknowledge that I was hurting, expecting us to be okay after everything that happened. I wish you could have helped me by trying a little more. But you shut me off when I shut you off. And it’s fucked up because even if I know that I’m only reacting to your coldness, I know that I became even colder myself. Until everything became irreparable. I was too filled with pride and resentment that I didn’t want to do anything anymore. And I always get the impression of how irrelevant I’ve become to you. 

In all honesty, I badly want to blame you. I feel like you have been a hypocrite in ways more than one. I know that you are blaming me in your own ways as well.

All I wanted was clarity, something that you couldn’t give me because “it is not the right time yet.” I cannot be here anymore, and not being here anymore is giving up that quest for clarity. Do you understand? From here, I will have to grow more and more indifferent towards you, towards everything about us. I will have to just accept your silence, and rest without expecting for any peace. 

There is no right time. But, who am I to tell you that? Who am I for you to trust and believe? I just want to say that I’ve waited for you to be, for once, be braver than you think you are, by facing me and telling me exactly what you feel. With all honesty, with no fear of judgement.

I loved you. And I swear to God I wanted to keep that even if we don’t end up together, even if we find new people to love. But I’m too filled with failed expectations, aching pain, and countless disappointments that I do not know what to do but accept that this is now our fate. 

I’ve never been so weak. I’ve never been so lazy and passive. I’ve never been so sad. And I’d like to believe it’s because I’ve never loved and trusted and risked for someone like I did for you. Maybe there is no cure when you choose that there is nothing to cure. There’s nothing to redeem when you believe nothing is worthy anymore. I have to let it go. 

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