Maybe I was mad, not sad. People tend to resort to anger and defensiveness when they are in pain. To no longer have someone you loved and trusted in your life is painful. Learning patterns and then needing yourself to forget them is painful. Losing a friend and a piece of future that could have worked is pain. Realizing that you’ve lost yourself and worse, that you didn’t know who you are at all is heartbreaking. So maybe I was really mad, not sad. I held on to anger for it was difficult to believe that there was ever love in the first place. I held on to it because I didn’t want to forget you, to forget that we ever happened at all. And anger is poison. It eats you out. It blocks your senses and your ability to be soft. I chose pain because the world didn’t like softness. I had to be angry because you said I was too soft for you. It makes me more mad, and I can’t do this to myself anymore. I have to stop choosing pain even if that means finally letting you go. Finally letting everything go. I can’t be angry anymore even if that’s the easiest way to keep you. I should be able to believe that I want you to be happy. I must believe in that happiness again. You deserve it, because I once wanted to give everything just for you to have it. I wish I could believe again.
May 14, 2017