There are some things in life you will never see coming.
I never thought I would fall for you. You are the moon to my sun. You seemed to always be so distant, so lonely inside. But I had noticed you. One day, I saw you and thought, “What are all this light for if you have no one to share it with?” You wanted it. I wanted you to want it. I did not think that, maybe, you never really need it.
We did. For someone who never run out of words, I loved the silence with you. For someone who likes going places, I liked staying at one location killing time with you. I wanted to learn the language you’re speaking. I wanted to listen to your favorite songs and sing them back to you. I wanted to know your mind, to see how I am projected there. I wanted to be your love. I wanted so many things. Maybe, I wanted them too bad.
All is fair in love and war.
I held on to what it meant to love someone. Blinking through red lights and warning signs, I held on to you. We were never perfect, and we knew neither of us should take it against the other. But what should lovers do with all their differences? I did my best to let you know I will never stop accepting the difficult that was you, the unknown that was us, just as long as you want to keep on trying for the crazy that was me. But it wasn’t just for you. It was too much hard work, and I had to concede to you.
In every ending, there is a new beginning.
Indeed, it was the start of the endless, sudden urges to cry whenever I would remember you. It was beginning every morning with a burning pain in the chest and a helpless cheer of “Get up now. It’s okay”. To me, it was the start of doubting my capacity to love and the capacity of love to be sufficient. Because I couldn’t love you enough to stay. It was the beginning of doubting every person I meet, of what could their motives truly be. It was the start of something new. I was changing into someone I was afraid to meet. Does she have trust issues and bitterness in her mouth? Does she still laugh and shine like the sun? Can they ever be healed, the scars in her heart? I didn’t know. I was too afraid to know.
Time heals all wounds.
It has been months, my moon. My sunshine have braved the rain and the gloom. Sometimes I still struggle, but I have managed to embraced strong waves of emotions. I have cried my heart out, and I guess I can still speak with romance in my tongue. Cliches are overrated, yes. They are too familiar sentiments that I’ve tried to avoid them. But you and I lived by them. Without you, cliches have helped me get through. I always try to be different, but sometimes I end up as “just okay.” And okay is not bad. For now.
Photo taken by @vonmedeza.