Poetry

#7 Please

I beg you to stop

apologizing for how you feel

when you think your pain

is such an inconvenience to

the world. Stop.

I beg you to try

being honest, and cry

when they ask how you are,

even when you don’t know how

they would react. Try.

I beg you to speak

what your heart is saying,

the words at the back of your head

covered with so many fears, and

conquer them. Speak.

I beg you to bleed

all the pain that giving love

has caused you, all the hurt

that haunt you inside

every night. Bleed.

I beg you to take

time, take everything, everyone

that you need to go on,

do not hesitate to be selfish

for your brokenness. Take.

Photo by vonmedeza.

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#6 Breaking

When I say my heart

is breaking, can you tell

it’s an understatement?

For break means a lot

to me; it is what I do

every time I try to

speak, but never did I

talk with you.

Breaking

is when I smile, and you

smile, but as strangers

do, never did we

smile to one another

when I would’ve wanted to,

I really do. Fear.

Break is taking time to

wake me up. Shake

me from the pain, make

it all go away ’cause

broken, I was. I am, 

whenever I

remember you and

how happy you are

with her, looking at her,

saying you’ll never let her

break.  Break.

My heart is…

Five Songs

How It’s Like To Fall In Love With the Idea of Loving Someone

It certainly is hopeful and sad at the same time. As you couldn’t help but feel that being in love with someone is twice as fun and beautiful as being alone and in love with yourself, it becomes so easy to see possibilities in people who warm your heart at simple instances. It becomes so easy to attach meaning to unrecognised gestures, to daydream about things beyond reality, and to believe that love, with the right amount of bliss and hard work, can conquer all. 

1. Boom Clap, Charli XCX, Sucker (2014)

“The sound of my heart,

the beat goes on and on and on.

You make me feel good,

Come on to me now”.

Maybe it begins as a simple crush on a new acquaintance or as a sudden realisation of how a friendship can turn into something more. Either way, you start to feel it in your chest, the so-called butterflies. As you replay every interaction, hang on to every word, and look forward to the next time you’ll see the person, it gets you so excited you can feel it in your bones. 

2. Heartlines, Broods, Conscious (2016) 

“I’ll pick you up at midnight, 

we’ll run to beat the sunlight.

We only get the one life, and

I want to feel your heartlines”. 

What gets you hoping is the chance that every new connection holds. A chance to create happiness with another person. A chance to care for someone else’s welfare as much as they care for yours. An opportunity to grow as an individual with someone safeguarding your heart. Someone, who with a life of his own, can also choose to choose you, over and over again, no matter what life throws at the both of you. You would want to keep fighting for one another as neither of you want the other to feel the pain you have experienced before. It is loving the way you want to be loved, hoping that both of you gets it right. 

3. All That, Carly Rae Jepsen, E•MO•TION (2015)

“I’ll be the magic you will ever see.

You can always rely on me 

to help you do what you want to do. 

I wanna be the best  you’ve ever known,

just let me in your arms”.

The truth is you just want to mean something, if not a lot, to someone. You know that in loving another you get more satisfaction in yourself. You know that with all the love that you had offered before and with all the love that you can still willingly offer after all, you long for a person who can finally give what you deserve. Someone who can commit as much as you do. Someone who will never stop trying. And it wouldn’t feel like a hopeless cause anymore as giving and taking go smoothly between the both of you. This is the truth about you, that somewhere inside you is some loneliness. And in hoping for this connection, you are embracing this truth. You are embracing who you are and what you need and what you hope to do. Love.  

4. WILD, Troye Sivan, Blue Neighbourhood (2015)

“You make my heart shake, 

bend and break, but

I can’t turn away, 

it’s driving me wild.

You’re driving me wild”. 

But as every idea always looks better in the head than in reality, holding on to your hope could either be rewarding or destructive in the end. With the uncertainty that comes with hope and with the truth that love is never always how you expect it to be, it is now up to you to take a risk or to stop while you are ahead. It can get so terrifying at this moment. If you fight for what you believe could be, you can get yourself bruised.. again. While if you choose to close yourself, the thought of having regrets can haunt you forever. You know that you’re not the type who turns away from the possibility of love without putting up an effort to see it through. You are never the type who can walk away so easily. And although that has been the cause of some minor scars in you, you have to know that there is courage in how you are. Your heart could be fragile and shallow at times, but the way it loves is deeper than any turbulent sea. You have to know you deserve the love that is in your head. And it can happen to you. Because you can make it happen for someone. 

5. Plans, Oh Wonder, Oh Wonder (2015)

“I’ve got plans to get to you,

you know. Don’t you know?

Gonna build a paper plane

to float to you. We’ll be 

scraping the skies with our fingertips, screaming,

‘This is the life, we were born for this”. 

I hope you never stop believing in love. No matter how many times you meet someone who you saw you could love but didn’t quite notice you back. You are worthy. Always worthy. I hope you hold on to who you are. No matter how many times you feel like you’re failing yourself, that you’re just wounding your heart. Please don’t let your romance die. Please keep on believing that there is nothing more beautiful than loving and being in love with another human. You’ll be walking this earth one day knowing that you never gave up on love. One day it’s not going to revert back to just an idea. You will meet someone as worthy as you, and the two of you will breathe life into everything you have ever dreamed of. Wait for it. It’s possible. 
Photography by vonmedeza.

Poetry

#5 If I

If I cry, and love dies, would you remember

it was ever here? That I was here, all over you,

singing sad songs in the glory of day. I was

in love. Fallen in. Fallen out. For you.

If you knew, and you believe my love was true, would you

change the littlest of your desires, align them

with the faults of mine? I wish you would,

I know you could, but not for me.

If I looked, and in looking, saw

that you were aware, even a grain, of the words I said,

of the things I gave, would the pain

be any less? Tell me, will. it. ever. end.

So if I cry, and I will cry… I have to.

 

Photography unknown.

Five Songs · Heartbreak

Five Songs: How I See A Heartbreak, 2 Months Later 

Plug in your earphones. Turn up your Spotify. And listen to the songs as you read through.

1. Walk Away, LANY, Make Out-EP (2015)

“You and I would be just fine

If I was the one to stay

the day and waste away, but

I tend to run.

I’m too good at leaving love,

I don’t wanna be”.

I don’t know about you anymore. It feels like we haven’t talked in forever when it’s just a little more than two months since we (you) called things off. I’ve gone through an endless cycle of pain, resentment, numbness, insecurity, confusion, and acceptance. Through it all, there was always a weak voice that saves you, that saves me from hating you. It says, maybe you really didn’t want to be selfish. Maybe it’s not that you didn’t love me enough to just walk away like that, you just couldn’t be the person you want to be if you stayed with me. Maybe.

2.  Birthmark, Thomston, Topograph (2016)

“When your name doesn’t hurt to say and

I think about you less each passing day,

when I can’t feel your weight,

will I miss the way it feels to miss you?”

I knew the day would come that I am just so exhausted that my mind would shut itself off whenever it remembers to remember you. I watched it all happen, and I fought the burning pain in my chest through all of the days. I didn’t want to let go. Time, and everything that were happening and were not happening finally lead me to this. I should be thankful, and somehow, I am.

3.  Mother Earth, Banks, The Altar (2016)

“Follow me to my bed

‘cause every time you fall

I’ll be holding your head up, and

when will you get tired of feeling bad?

Every time you fall, follow me”.

If there is anything I’ll treasure the most from this; it made me love and trust myself than I ever did in my life. They (even you) said that we cannot learn without pain. I don’t know. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you really had to leave for me to see my worth, for me to realize what I truly deserve. I can’t and I don’t want to think about it anymore trying to justify your actions. All I know is I have myself; I’ve always had myself. When I loved you, I was being true to myself. I trusted myself. I was with myself, and just if you ever thought of it… No, I didn’t lose myself in choosing to love you. I chose to turn into someone who can love you enough. But I know now that I cannot love anyone into loving me.

4.  Green Light, Lorde, Melodrama (2017)

“I hear sounds in my mind

brand new sounds in my mind

Honey, I’ll be seeing you wherever I go

Honey, I’ll be seeing you down every road

I’m waiting for it,

that green light I want it”.

And, I’m ready for it. I’m taking over. I can’t keep choosing the grief and all that comes with it. 

5.  Anything Could Happen, Ellie Goulding, Halcyon Days (2013)

“I’ll give you everything you need but

I don’t think I need you.

I know it’s gonna be all right”.

I loved you. I am hoping that I find a way to deal with this truth for all of my life. It is part of who I am now and who I will become. Maybe there are things that still need patching up, that need further recovery. Time is always doing its work for everyone. I am working hard to make sure that I love the person that’s emerging from this storm. I will love her. 

Photo taken by @vonmedeza.

Poetry

#3 If you’re a sad romantic, please don’t meet people online. 

I

One moment I knew a face and a name,

on the screen, I had to watch it all begin.

We started talking about random things, like

how I listened and liked the song that you picked.

I wondered what could be the reason you find sad songs great,

could there be some loneliness we shared? Oh,

how great of a leap that was to make. 

II

Pleasantries exchanged throughout the days.

You were still a stranger so I didn’t really care

a lot. But I did. I found reading your messages settling in.

I dared. I found myself smiling at the words you say.

It was okay, but the idea that it could be more than okay

ran ahead of me. Overpowering me, attaching me to something

that was just something for the meanings I chose to believe in.

III

Trust me when I say that there is nothing more dangerous,

more destructive than falling in love with an idea

combined with sadness, blind optimism, and a sentimental heart;

it is like crashing a plane in a fairly weathered day.

I overthink-ed, started forming expectations out of wits,

Judged myself before I even give us the chance to know the other

naturally, slowly. Why do I feel so sorry?

IV

I am. And maybe, it has nothing to do with you, the one on the other

side. I am not whole, I screwed because I thought that I would.

I am sorry for myself, but I won’t be too hard on me anymore.

I shouldn’t romanticize, but that’s who I am-

I’d like to think you’re not just a face and a name,

that you and I are full of possibilities. But I know, we know,

it all boils down to what and who you choose at the end of the day.

 

Photo adapted from Pinterest, by vonmedeza.